Evdog's Evblog

Evdog's E-Mails: somebody "Secret" returns, (Hint: It's Ms. Secrets) and "What does Evan think about Pink Hats" Version Infinity Point O)

2011-11-06T01:23:00.008-04:00

Look who's back...

Just wanted to say that it's nice to see you posting again!
Hope you're having a good time in California. I'm jealous of the good weather you must be having.
Looking forward to reading more. You know I'm a big fan!
-Ms. Secrets

It's been like three years now and I still do not know who this lady is. Some say she isn't a lady at all. Some say she's a nomad, wandering from computer to computer reading the Evblog. But no matter what they say, they can't deny one thing: Dumbledore died in the sixth "Harry Potter" book.

The weather is definitely nice in California. It almost makes up for the shitty people that live here. It seems like everyone out here acts as if you just shit in their shoes. It's depressing. My late friend Moi used to call me a "Lost Angel", which is what he called people that were happy, moved to L.A., and became depressed as shit (You may have noticed I used the word late. That's right. One of only three coworkers that I liked, and he died). You just have to take pleasure in things that you do for yourself. I take pleasure in my writing, and shitting in people's shoes.

Thanks for checking in, Ms. Secrets. I'm glad you're back, too.

Q: What would it take to turn a pink hat into a normal/actual fan? Or when would that change occur? LOL
Jessica Z. Murphy

P.S. The Z stands for Xylophone

A: This is an excellent question, Murph. I don't really hate pink hats as much as I used to. I think that hatred was basically an excuse to stop watching a sport that bores me as much as baseball does.

But I do think that I am the right person to answer this question for you. The simple answer would be, "As soon as they take off their pink hat and put on a hat that is actually their team's colors".

More realistically, I'm not sure a change could ever occur. A pink hat's effort is put into drunkenly singing "Sweet Caroline", not learning the sport. They aren't asking the right questions ("What does ERA mean?"), they're asking the wrong ones ("Is Ellsbury pitching today?"). And they don't pay attention to anything going on in the game, either. It's kind of hard to learn about a sport when you're concentrating on orchestrating the wave.

What I'm trying to say is that a knowledgable fan is a knowledgable fan for a reason. They've spent years learning the ins and outs of every aspect of the game, and therefore could have a conversation about a sporting event for twenty five minutes. If you ever have a conversation about sports with a pink hat, you'll notice that there is a lot of nervous nodding going on. Most times, they don't even bother to learn about the players whose shirts they wear.

Pink hats cannot become real fans. But they're not always going to be annyoing you at Fenway, either. Soon enough, there will be a new fad to rival the Red Sox in Boston, and the pink hats will move on. I just hope I won't be seeing any pink hats with spoked B's on them any time soon.

Email me questions for my Q & A blogs at Evkid14@aim.com. I can't stress enough how much more often I will post if I am getting questions reguarly.

Also, follow me on Twitter. It's the perfect place to see me make jokes about poop.

Finally, be a fan of me on Facebook. You're already a fan of "Mondays Suck!", so why not join a fan page that let's you interact with me? Unless we're already having a conversation on the "Mondays suck" boards.

Why You Should Have Been Watching WWE Over The Last Fourteen Weeks (And Why I Find It Difficult To Watch Now)

2011-10-24T21:32:00.006-04:00

Most young men my age have stopped watching professional wrestling. They got their fill of Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock, and after those two left they searched for entertainment elsewhere.

I, however, have never moved on. Maybe it was out of rebellion; my parents had banned me from watching wrestling as a teen, and I always put on RAW or Smackdown when they weren't looking. (I remember the straw that broke the WWE's back for my Mom: Triple H telling Vince McMahon that Vinny Mac had balls the size of grapefruits) Maybe I continued watching because I'm a sucker for dramatic endings to things. The WWE has a cliffhanger every single week.

The reason doesn't really matter. What's important is that I kept watching. My friends decided that anyone who watched wrestling was a dork, so I became a closet fan. (This didn't last too long, as after a couple of years I freely admitted to being a wrestling fan. They still thought I was a dork.). I began to talk to other wrestling fans on message boards. They shared the same hope that someday wrestling would get back to producing the quality we had seen during the "Attitude Era."

I watched promising star after promising star grow stale over time. I watched John Cena morph from the hilarious "Doctor of Thuganomics" into a generic Hulk Hogan clone. I watched Christian (a man who had always been in the shadow of his once partner Edge) finally become entertaining as "Captain Charisma", only to be released from the WWE outright months later. (He's back now, but watered down to the point where I don't care that much about him)

It wasn't until 2010 that things got good again (Yes, I watched crappy WWE television for 6 years). Oddly enough, the wrestler who almost single handedly made wrestling watchable again was former Real World star Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, whose signature phrase, "I'm the Miz...and I'm awesome!" had me in stitches every time.

And then, WWE went from good to great. A man by the name of CM Punk changed the face of professional wrestling. Starting with This Segment on the June 27 edition of Monday Night Raw, CM Punk would usher in "The Reality Era" of the WWE. He openly spoke about actual problems in the company. From the startling amount of early deaths in professional wrestling, to the lack of respect WWE shows it's talent when releasing them, no one was safe from Punk's diatribe.

This made for amazing televion. Quite frankly, I wish that I had been motivated to tell you about it sooner. You should have been watching it. Punk had four months of incredible feuds with John Cena, Triple H, and last, (and certainly least) Kevin Nash.

Unfortuanately, WWE lacks the brains to keep his momentum going. Punk has been given far less time on the Pipe Bomb,(er, microphone) and WWE has shifted the focus of the Reality Era from him to Triple H, who is far past his prime and was even one of the people CM Punk accused of ruining the company. I feel like if they just let CM Punk run with the ball he couldtake them to the promised land, but he seems to be getting less and less exposure as time goes on.

The product is still better than average, but it was so good for the past six months that I find "better than average" incredibly dissapointing. I had waited so long for a good product, and had finally felt validated. Now I just feel let down.

Punk DOES have a title match at Survior Series on November 20th, so there is a glimmer of hope in that regard, but the WWE championship match is not even the main event of Survivor Series! (In fairness to WWE, The Rock will be fighting in a WWE match for the first time in eight years)

I just hope that if Punk does win the title that he will again get the attention he deserves. And if the WWE does get good again, I'll be sure to let you know.

As soon as I'm done getting beat up by my friends. Wrestling is for dorks, after all.

Email me questions for my Q & A blogs at Evkid14@aim.com.

Also, follow me on Twitter. Then you can retweet everything I say, and your friends will all think you're cool for knowing such a cool guy.

Finally, be a fan of me on Facebook. Once you've done that, you will be notified through Facebook every time I post a blog. And that's really everything you want in life, isn't it?

Wanna blog about our ordeals?

2011-10-23T00:32:00.004-04:00

I absolutely need to write more. There's no doubt about that. Since I haven't been writing, you are not being entertained, but more importantly I am not improving my skills. Practice makes perfect, Averman. (SOFT HANDS!) So in the interest of being the best I can be, I present to you some Q & A. And hopefully I'll be riting more...

Q: What's the big deal about a couple of Red Sox players having some brews in the dugout while the game is going on?

A: I've seen a few people on Facebook asking this question. To these people, I have a very simple answer: BECAUSE IT IS THEIR JOB. Baseball is what these players do for a living. If my boss saw me drinking a beer at my desk in the warehouse I work in, I would be fired on the spot. If I wasn't fired, and word of that got to HIS bosses, HE would be fired on the spot. (Terry Francona's firing doesn't seem so ridiculous anymore, does it?)

These Facebook users would probably respond to my answer by saying, "So what? I've drank at work before, it's not that big of a deal." Well, sir or madam, you should also have been fired. Furthermore, I am guessing that you are not a professional athlete. If you drink and work, maybe you miss a spot while you're sweeping up for the night. Most likely, no one will notice. It's a little different to get up to the plate whilst hammered and try to swing a club at a sphere traveling at 100 Miles Per Hour with millions of people watching. A few people might notice that you "missed a spot" then.

Look, I haven't watched baseball consistently in almost four years, and I only watched one game this year, so this debacle isn't exactly driving me away from the sport. I'm already gone. But it also isn't going to bring me back to the sport either. I'll stick with hockey, which unlike baseball moves along at a good pace and doesn't take four hours to watch. One of the best parts about hockey players? They don't drink on the bench during games. Or at least they respect the game enough to not tell you about it.

Q: What's the big deal about the Red Sox eating KFC during games?

A: Because KFC sucks. Get Popeyes, dummies!

Email me questions for my Q & A blogs at Evkid14@aim.com.

Also, follow me on Twitter, ESPECIALLY if you've missed this blog. It features jokes and updates on my life.

Finally, join my Facebook Group. Once you've done that, you will be notified through Facebook every time I post a blog.

Evan's Blog Returns

2011-05-14T15:45:00.004-04:00

Hey, sorry I was gone so long. I was pooping.

It's amazing that I haven't written on this thing in over a year. Life just took me in a different direction for a while. I've been out in California for almost a year now, and adjusting to the culture and a new work schedule was enough to keep me from writing. But now I feel that I've settled in, and hopefully I'll be able to produce awesomeness on a more regular basis.

Q: Ev,

First off, its very tough that the Bruins are in the 3rd round and
you are on the other coast.

With that said, I think I might be going out on a limb on this but... I
think Versus is doing a decent job covering the NHL this year as opposed to
previous years. Despite how he can be an annoying douche at times, I do
not like that Jack Edwards will not be calling games, and hope to god that Doc
Emeric covers our games, because he might be the best play by play guy
in the business.
Keep owning it! And restore the glory that was this fucking blog!!!

Degagz

A: I for one am never annoyed by "New" Jack Edwards. The man bleeds black and gold. It's fantastic to have an announcer who reacts to a play the exact same way I do. Between him and Andy Brickley (who very commonly breaks down a play the same way that I did seconds earlier), the Bruins have the best commentators in the business. You may think I'm biased, but I've heard about ten other commentary teams (I watch the games on Centre Ice) and they were all horrible to listen to except for the team that covers the New York Islanders. Jack's enthusiasm cannot be matched.

Even without Jack, Versus has been pretty good this year. Their HD is breathtakingly beautiul (more important in hockey than any other sport because the puck is much easier to follow), and their commentating has been solid for the most part. My biggest problem was their shameless man love of James Van Riemsdyk, but aside from that, they are MUCH better than last year.

Glory restored?

You can email me questions, topics, or suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com.

For those of you who want to follow me more closely, I suggest you go tomy Twitter Paget. I post there several times a day.

Finally, you can join my Facebook Group. Once you've done that, you will be notified through Facebook every time I post a blog.

Thanks for reading!

The Pancake Breakfast (We do it every month): April, 2010

2010-05-01T02:13:00.005-04:00

Welcome to the third edition of the Pancake Breakfast (We do it every month). If you're a follower of this blog, you've likely noticed that I've changed the name of the contest. Power 16 just wasn't cutting it. It didn't make sense, as every week I've had a different number of people sign up. I've actually never even had sixteen people in the contest.

My friend, Michael Douglas Degagne, suggested I change the name to "The Pancake Breakfast (We do it every month)." If you don't know why that makes me laugh, watch the movie "Anchorman."

Another change that took place this month is that I judged the contestant's statuses on seven random days during the month. I had previously judged them on seven straight days. The idea for this new system was suggested to me by my friend Scott Tiberias Cavagnaro, whom you will see in this contest for the first time this month. The point of this system was to eliminate overeager posters, and it worked. Point totals went down about fifty percent. They went down so much that I hereby dub the last two contests "The Steroid Era." No more 91 point totals for you, Katie Mulligan, even if your posts are all related to things that I love.

The April 2010 Pancake Breakfast (We do it every month) started on Friday, April 2nd and ended on Friday, April 30th. Here is how the twelve participants ranked, in descending order:

Previous Winners:
Brian Quinlan, February 2010
Katie Mulligan, March 2010

12. Brendan McCue
Best Status: N/A
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: It was an honor just to be here, right B-Dawg? Brendan didn't post in any of the days that I judged. To make matters worse, his one post of the month was right in the middle of two days that I did judge. Just bad luck.
Sign Up Points: 2
Total Points: 2

11. Brendan Doyle
Best Status: "Tyler O'Donnell, if you were wondering, your prom is in fact tonight."
Explanation: It's just considerate.
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Doyle was heading down the same path as the other Brendan, until day seven, which is the day that will forever be remembered as the day Doyle saved Tyler O'Donnell's prom.
Sign Up Points: 5
Total Points: 15

10. Kaileen Flaherty
Best Status: "yo hoe yo hoe a pirate's life for mee"
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: More bad luck. I specifically remember liking like 75 percent of her statuses she wrote this month. Just not the ones on those seven days. Oh, well.
Sign Up Points: 10
Total Points: 20

9. Ryan McCue
Best Status: "Cause pearl harbor sucked, and i miss you"
Explanation: Click here
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: He also only posted once during those seven days.
Sign Up Points: 11
Total Points: 21

8. Mike Degagne
Best Status: "If you can read this... congratulations! You made the cut! :)"
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Mike, if you can read this...congratulations! You made the top 8!
Sign Up Points: 1
Total Points: 21

7. Andrew McCabe
Best Status: "I am Goldberg!....The goalie.....grrrrrrr"
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: A little low in the standings for McCabe, but it's okay. He's still the nicest person I know.
Sign Up Points: 12
Total Points: 22

6. Jess Murphy
Best Status: "nice day for a hike. getting organized to go hike mt norwottuck. :)"
Explanation: On this particular day I must've been happy to see Jessica getting some excercise. I honestly don't know why I gave a crap about this. A gift for you, Murph.
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwchenZolCE
Summary: An underachieving month for Murph. Perhaps she had too much Crystal Light and rum.,
Sign Up Points: 6
Total Points: 26

5. Joe Hession
Best Status: "so i guess you shouldn't prank phone call whores on craigslist, my b"
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Joe has a moustache. Advantage?
Sign Up Points: 9
Total Points: 29

4. Erica Dumont
Best Status: "a bird was just singing three blind mice when I was walking inside. I swear to God."
Explanation: I think crazy things too, sometimes.
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: She might have won if she had stuck to the Mighty Ducks strategy that she employed last month. Pick up the Mighty Ducks references....NOW!
Sign Up Points: 7
Total Points: 37

3. Scott Cavagnaro
Best Status: "I hope a freak rainstorm ruins all of your days..until 4 when I get out of work. Fuck growing up and working 7-4 everyday. Its bogus, don't do it."
Explanation: I enjoy his pain.
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Scott was killing everyone for five days, and then fell off at the end. Perhaps he shouldn't be such a bitch.
Sign Up Points: 8
Total Points: 38

2. Eric Erskine
Best Status: "tip of the day: unless u want me to bust a nut in ur american cheese, DO NOT grab a fuckin ticket when theres only one person in front of u, or even no one. I hate that shit."
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Eric is bringing the funk to this contest. I've realized by now that no one is reading this and they are just checking the points to see what place they came in.
Sign Up Points: 3
Total Points: 43

1. Brian Quinlan
Best Status: "One collared shirt + handle bar mustache = total savannah camo"
Explanation: An accurate equation.
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Besides becoming the first person to win this contest twice, Brian also became the first person to crack the 200 point mark in 2010.
Sign Up Points: 4
Total Points: 54

2010 Point Standings
1) Brian Quinlan, 201
2) Jess Murphy, 155
3) James Richards and Andrew McCabe, 123
4) Katie Mulligan, 91
5) Erica Dumont, 86
6) Joe Hession, 85
7) Ryan McCue, 75
8) Mike Degagne, 67
9) Brendan Doyle, 47
10) Kaileen Flaherty, 45
11) Eric Erskine, 43
12) Scott Cavagnaro, 38
13) Cydni Litowski, 37
14) Ryan Donohue, 22
15) Aaron Range, 17
16) Graham Sheehan, 6
17) Brendan McCue, 2

Evan Discusses the Professional Hockey Game Experience

2010-04-14T01:33:00.005-04:00

Q: Evan,

Good morrow and salutations... hope things are fine with you.

Anyways, I'm sitting here trying to watch the Bruins vs. Canadiens game. When I use the word trying I am not referring to the caliber of the B's play. Instead, what is bothering the living hell out of me is what goes on between the play. I started thinking what it's like to go to a sporting event these days... the second there's a stoppage of play there goes the PA with some shameless promotion, distracting fans and their douche baggery with the jumbo tron or the t-shirt cannon, the ice girls etc. etc. The biggest offender, at least I think, and what I also see is the biggest insult to sports fans is the crowd noise meter. I mean the meter goes up, and everyone shamelessly makes noise for no reason other than seen a fabricated meter go up and down. On top of that, don't you find it insulting when they tell you to make noise at 17:30 in the second with a 2 goal lead? I mean come on!!! Is nothing sacred? Thoughts?

Also, I think we're done with hearing 'Welcome to the Jungle' 12x a game and Ozzie screaming 'All Aboard HA HA HA' When I hear that at a game... I say ' ENOUGH!!!' What do you think would be a worthy replacement for these overplayed cliche stadium tunes?

-Mr. D
March 2nd, 2010

A: First of all, I would like to convey my disappointment that the Mr. D that sent me this e-mail is not your father. I saw that the emailer was "Mr. D" and was ready to treat this e-mail with the reverence and respect that your Pops deserves. When I figured out that it was you, I ignored it for a month and a half.

I could not agree with you more about the noise meter. Every time they put that up at a weird time and the crowd goes crazy I want to strangle them. This, of course, stems from my obsession with proving that I am the biggest sports fan ever. I look down on every person who wears a pink Red Sox hat (these annoy me the most), ever person who makes noise when their team is up or down a certain amount of points just because a jumbo screen tells them to, ever person who sings "Sweet Caroline" when their team is getting killed, and every sing person who does the wave. The wave is the stupidest one of all. Do you really think that waving your arms in the air will get the team going? They players aren't even allowed to look into the crowd! At baseball games the wave is always started by a girl wearing a pink hat. Is that the sort of person you want leading you? No, but people do it anyway, because they are sheep.

The rest of the distractions are best explained through this one word: greed. Greedy owners extended the amount of T.V. breaks so that the greedy advertisers can put their ads on the air a few more times. It's disgraceful, but it's only going to get worse. The amount of commercial breaks during sporting events has increaded roughly 34 percent every year the past six years.(www.Imadethatstatupbutitseemsreasonable.com) Advertising is slowly ruining every sport. And no one is going to do anything about it. All of the "fans" are too busy trying to catch a shirt that has a burrito company's name on it to notice that there is no hockey going on. It's pretty disgraceful. People push each other aside for these things! If aliens landed inside The Gahden they would think that Burrito Tee-shirts were a valuable resource. If one of those tees landed in my lap I would give it to a homeless man.

I'm pretty sick of those songs that you mentioned, too. I would replace them with instrumental songs that get people pumped up. Some of these would include the "Last of the Mohicans" theme song and the Freedom Fighter'sTwo Steps From Hell from the recent Star Trek film. They could play anything at these games, but they continue to recycle the same garbage. They need to get creative.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it in the blog on my Twitter Account.

Finally, you can join my Facebook Group. Once you've done that, you will be notified through Facebook every time I post a blog. You will also be notified when it is time to sign up for that month's Power 16.

Facebook Power 16 of Eleven: March, 2010

2010-03-12T16:23:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the second Facebook Power 16! If you don't know how this contest works, click here for the rules.

I felt that a few people were overposting last month. So this month, I tried to mention the contest only a few times during the week. This made it a more accurate depiction of how much people reguarly post on Facebook. I also didn't write +10 or -10 in the comment box under their status. I feel like this annoyed people and turned at least a few people off of the Power 16.

Futhermore, I judged people this week not only on their statuses, but any links they posted as well.

Finally, I only explained the best and worst statuses if I didn't think they were obvious.

The Facebook Power 16 of Eleven started on Friday, March 5th, 2010 and ended on Thursday, March 11th, 2010. Here is how those eleven people ranked, in descending order:

Previous Winners:
Brian Quinlan, February 2010

11. Graham Sheehan
Best Status: N/A
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: I don't think that Graham remembered that there was a contest going on. He didn't post once, but I'm not complaining. It was very easy for me to look at his page, see that he didn't post anything, and put a zero next to his name.
Sign Up Points: 6
Total Points: 6

10. Joe Hession
Best Status: "needs to stop listening to so much limp bizket"
(Explanation): EVERYONE needs to listen to less Limp Bizket, no matter how much you actually listen to them.
Worst Status: "Fuck the Penguin"
(Explanation): Two part answer: A) The penguin is my favorite animal, and I do not want Joe Hession desecrating them. B) If he's talking about the part of The Penguin played by Danny Devito in "Batman Returns," I'm still upset. I thought Danny did a great job in that role.
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Joe posted a lot this week, but for the most part I either didn't understand his posts, or I they didn't interest me. Most of his statuses said, "working." I don't mind when people use this as a status, but it's not something that jumps of the screen at me, either.
Sign Up Points: 3
Total Points: 13

9. Kaileen Flaherty
Best Status: "i am stuck in a pickle my friend..a pickle that even snooki couldn't suck the juice out of."
Worst Status: "You're late for tea!!"
(Explanation): How dare you. I have never, I repeat, I have NEVER, been late for tea.
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Kaileen posts a healthy amount of times, and her posts are usually pretty good. I urge her to join the contest again next month, when the new system of rules will benefit her style of posting. What are these new rules? Stay tuned.
Sign Up Points: 5
Total Points: 25

8. Brendan Doyle
Best Status: "Goldeneye on N64. Hell yes."
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lindsay-lohan-suing-e-trade-for-milkaholic-parody/37130?nc
Summary: Doyle needs to channel his inner tan man if he's going to turn things around next month.
Sign Up Points: 2
Total Points: 32

7. Cydni Litowsky
Best Status: Bring it on. (not the movie, I'm just saying it...)
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Cyd was wary of joining the contest because she thought she didn't post enough. Well, she didn't really post any more than she usually does, but she still beat four other people. To me, this shows that anyone can win. And with the way the rules are about to change, there will be even more parity in this contest. Which I am very excited for.
Sign Up Points: 7
Total Points: 37

6. James Richards
Best Status: "Got away scott free with having 3 drunk girls sleepover, WIN!"
Worst Status: "hey so there really is a SUN? sweet!"
(Explanation): Why are you surprised that there is a sun? That doesn't make any sense.
Best Link: N/A
Summary: James sometimes has posts that I don't understand, or are about ultimate frisbee (of which I know nothing about). Besides this, if he keeps entering the contest, I guarantee he will win the big one eventually. You can't hold talent down.
Sign Up Points: 8
Total Points: 38

5. Erica Dumont
Best Status: "Hey Goldberg! I bet if that puck was a cheeseburger you'd stop it!!!"
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: Erica started off slow, but about half-way through the week she discovered that quoting Mighty Ducks was a great way to get points. It's risky, though, because sometimes I feel like people are specifically catering to me when they post Mighty Ducks related statuses. However, the rule changes that I've been talking up will put an end to that for sure.
Sign Up Points: 9
Total Points: 49

4. Andrew McCabe
Best Status: "Was in the BSC computer lab yesterday, and because I luckily got two packs of sour patch kids for the price of one from the vending machine, I offered one of the bags to a random stranger sitting at the computer next to me. He looked at me and gave me a facial expression that would best be described as "why are you ta...lking to me?" I ended up eating both bags."
(Explanation): This is a great example of how nice Andrew McCabe is. I would eat both bags myself and consider it a lucky day. Andrew thinks of it as an oppurtunity to make someone else's day a little brighter.
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtuSQslya5Y&feature=related
Summary: I'm thinking that MacDaddy will be the Hank Aaron of the Facebook Power 16. He's not gonna put up crazy points every month, but he'll consitently be in the middle to front, and therfore will have some pretty solid point totals.
Sign Up Points: 10
Total Points: 50

3. Brian Quinlan
Best Status: "its very late and ive been up so early"
(Explanation): I don't know why I love this so much. I just think it's incredibly witty. If he copied it from somewhere else, then he can live with the guilt.
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: N/A
Summary: I've noticed that Brian posts more frequently than most people do. Combine this with his dry wit, and I think he'll be among the top scorers every month.
Sign Up Points: 4
Total Points: 54

2. Jess Murphy
Best Status: "nomahhh is a sox once again. signed a one day contract to end his career as a red sox :)"
(Explanation): NOMAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Worst Status: N/A
Best Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyGJXLxtVEo
Summary: Jess has really surprised me with her output in the last two Power 16s. She was actually tied for first with one day to go, but it just wasn't to be.
Sign Up Points: 1
Total Points: 71

1. Katie Mulligan
Best Status: "How did one go about inventing tape?"
(Explanation): I'm almost positive it had something to do with masturbation.
Worst Status: Up early to hang with 24 second graders.
(Explanation): I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the winner of my contest being a pervert.
Best Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w
Summary: Katie is an awesome chick, but I consider this an upset. I frankly was suprised that both Katie and Jess beat Brian. Congratulations, Katie.
Sign Up Points: 11
Total Points: 91

2010 Point Standings
1) Brian Quinlan, 147
2) Jess Murphy, 129
3) James Richards, 123
4) Andrew McCabe, 101
5) Katie Mulligan, 91
6) Joe Hession, 56
7) Ryan McCue, 54
8) Erica Dumont, 49
9) Mike Degagne, 46
10) Cydni Litowski, 37
11) Brendan Doyle, 32
12) Kaileen Flaherty, 25
13) Ryan Donohue, 22
14) Aaron Range, 17
15) Graham Sheehan, 6

Here now, as promised, are the rule changes to next month's Power 16. Instead of a week-straight contest, there will be seven days chosen at random for that month. This means that you will not know which days the contest will be going on. I think that gives the people who just going about their daily Facebook business a fighting chance. This system was suggested to me by my good buddy Scott Cavagnaro.

I will be notifying everyone through the blog group when it comes down to the last few days to sign up, but if you want to sign up now to get quality sign up points, you can by messaging me on Facebook. Please make sure that you clearly state that you want to sign up for it.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it in the blog on My Twitter Account.

Evan Lists Some Great Ways To Cock Block

2010-03-04T20:20:00.002-05:00

Q: Hey.
So one of my roomates was having extremely loud sex with his Hot Topic girlfriend
in his room. This would be fine except our rooms don't have ceilings and it was
1 in the after noon. This was the third time in the week I was awoken to that (and a hangover), so I kicked in his door and set off an air horn in his room and then ran. My question is this: despite cock blocking being a bad thing, what are some humorous ways to do so?
Hugs and kisses,
Brian Quinlan

A: I would first like to congratulate you on sticking up for yourself. Having loud sex in a place where your roomate can hear you is kind of like having public sex. Why should you have to listen to that crap? Sex is a private thing. This girl clearly wants attention, and is going about it in the douchiest ways possible. "Don't judge me by the way that I dress, I'm just trying to express myself." Well that's fine, do what you want to do, but understand that I WILL judge you by the way you dress. You are supposed to dress how you want people to see you. For example, if you are wearing a Bruins sweatshirt, I'm going to assume you like the Bruins. Likewise, if you are wearing gothic clothing (such as the clothes that you can buy at Hot Topic), I'm going to assume you are a needy douche. She's also screaming during sex, which is like saying, "I'm having sex, probably rough sex, and not only it is MY business, but now I want to make it yours, too!" And so, Brian, I do not think that this is cock blocking, because it is your roomate and Ms. Gothika that are at fault here. You are merely expressing yourself right back. What you are saying is, "Hey, I didn't care what you did in private, but you woke me up to let me know what you were doing. I am displeased by this, and by fucking with you I am hoping you never do it again." Sure, you could always talk to your roomate about it, but since you said that this wasn't the first time that this happened, I assume that you did talk to him about it, and that he didn't rectify the situation. Plus, they are human beings. They know that what they are doing is inappropriate to do with when other people are around, and they're doing it anyways. So, eye for an eye my friend. You are just annoying them as much as they annoyed you.

Other funny things to do in this situation are:
1) Stand outside their door. Start making sex sounds until they notice.
2) Do the same thing, but this time enter the room and make the noises.
3) You said you have no ceilings. I assume this means that you have a cubicle situation going on. Throw water balloons over the wall.
4) Throw water balloons filled with pee over the wall.
5. Write down everything they say during their sex acts and then write a short play using their dialouge. Perform it for them later with your other roomates.
5. Record the sounds they make and remix it with Lady Gaga songs.
6. Get a bunch of people to come over. Keep them quiet. Have everyone stand outside our lovers' door until they come out. They will be embarassed. Especially Hot Topic.
7. Put a sign on their door that says, "Rough Sex In Progress. Do Not Disturb."
8. Repeat number 6, except this time applaud when they are finished.
9. Play any song about getting pregnant extremely loudly.
10. Repeatedly leave the toilet seat up. Put a sign on the inside of the seat that says, "You sound like a man when you have sex.

I was going to get to another question, but this response went past 600 words. I assume none of my readers have an attention span that lasts that long.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it in the blog on my Twitter Account.

Finally, you can join my Facebook Group. Once you've done that, you will be notified through Facebook every time I post a blog. You will also be notified when it is time to sign up for that month's Power 16.

Evan Tells You What Professional Sports Team He'd Play For, and Also Gives His Thoughts On the 1980 U.S. Hockey Team.

2010-02-25T18:59:00.005-05:00

Q: Hello Ev, this is your friend MacDaddy here

If you could play any professional sport which would it be?

How much money do you think you'd make during your career?

Do you see yourself winning any awards or setting any awesome records?

Do you see yourself becoming a champion?

How many seasons do you think you could play before you retired?

How often would you hang out after games to sign autographs?

After your playing career ends, would you try to become an analyst for your sport?

-Andrew McCabe

A: If I could play any professional sport, it would be hockey. That's the one I most enjoy playing.

Unfortunately, I suck at hockey, so I would be making about $150, 000 a year, which is the league minimum.

I do not see myself setting any records. If you're not sure why I think this, please actually read the previous paragraph.

If I was to become a champion, it would be because of the players around me and not due to my greatness. So I really wouldn't deserve to be called a champion anyway.

If they were stupid enough to continue paying a horrible player such as myself, I would keep playing for as long as I could. I'm thinking about twenty years.

I'd sign everyone's autographs, as long as they didn't mock me for being a terrible player.

I would try to become an anylyst after my playing career, but no one would take me, because there are good players who would try to do that as well. After my failure, I'd go back to Foodmaster.

Thanks for the question, bro.

Q: Is it just me or have we seen enough of Mike Eruzione and the rest of the 1980 U.S. hockey team? I was just listening to Toucher and Rich and they were talking about how people still watch that game and cry. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on it.

-Graham

A: I think we have seen enough. It was a great game, and it made for a great movie, but these guys are STILL making money off that game to this day. The people that still watch that game and cry are pathetic. Life isn't over until you're dead, people. Watch a current game. Or, watch that game if you want, but don't cry. It's been twenty years. It doesn't mean as much now as it did then. It's not like the Soviets are still our main rival.

Thanks for the question, Graham. I have to go, it's time to go watch game four of the 2004 ALCS and cry.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it in the blog on my Twitter Account.

Finally, you can join my Facebook Group. Once you've done that, you will be notified through Facebook every time I post a blog and every time the Facebook Power 16 is going to start.

Facebook Power 16 of Nine.

2010-02-08T17:13:00.004-05:00

Last Saturday, I began an experiment that was exclusive to my friends on Facebook. It was a variation of the Power 16s I did on Myspace, during which I had judged my friends according to how awesome they were that week. I eventually had to stop doing that, because, let's face it, I don't have sixteen friends anymore.

So when Mike Degagne approached me and asked me to do another one, I told him it wouldn't work. Then he suggested that I message my friends on my blog group (Click Here to join. By joining, you will be messaged every time I post a blog and will be eligible to be in the next Power 16) and tell them what I was planning to do. Those of them who wanted to be in the contest could message me back and tell me so. Nine people signed up.

I thought it was a good idea, but I still didn't know how I was going to judge them. Then I thought of the only fair way. I was going to judge them on how much I liked their statuses on Facebook.

I decided to rank them through a point system. Ten points would go to a good status, while a bad status would get ten points taken away. I judged every status they made all week. If I didn't understand what they were talking about, I did not judge the status. I also did not judge them on videos or pictures they posted themselves (but I have decided to do that next time). I even kept track of their best and worst statuses.

The contest started on January 30, 2009, and ended on February 5, 2009. Here is how those nine people ranked, in descending order:

(One last note: Everyone received a certain amount of points equivelant to the order in which they signed up in. For example, Joe Hession [who signed up first] recieved nine points for signing up, while Andrew McCabe [who signed up last] recieved one point)

9. Aaron Range
Best Status: "today's song of the day: 'Where Is My Mind?' - unknown"
Why This Was His Best Status: It was his ONLY status of the week.
Worst Status: N/A
Why This Was His Worst Status: N/A
Summary: Aaron only posted one status. Not a very good effort if you consider that the point of the contest is to have as many awesome statuses as you can.
Sign Up Points: 7
Total Points: 17

8. Ryan Donohue
Best Status: "It's doppelganger week...need I say more Evan?"
Why This Was His Best Status: No, he need not say more. About a year ago, Ryan and I decided that it would be awesome if they combined doppelgangers with the Doppler radar system. What it would do is beyond anyone's guess.
Worst Status: N/A
Why This Was His Worst Status: N/A
Summary: If you look at Ryan Donohue and Aaron Range's worst statuses, you may notice something. Neither of them have one. Unlike Mike Degagne and James Richards, it's not because every status they posted was agreeable to me; it's because they didn't post enough statuses for me to disagree with one. Unfortunately, this also meant that they didn't have enough statuses to be in the running to win the contest.
Sign Up Points: 2
Total Points: 22

7. Mike Degagne
Best Status: "I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire! And I'm Ted Theodooooore Logan! And together we are... WILD STALLYNS!!!! (both movies back to back, most escellent HBO"
Why This Was His Best Status: Because those movies are fantastic.
Worst Status: N/A
Why This Was His Worst Status: N/A
Summary: Mike had a few good posts that made me laugh, but there were some days when he didn't post at all, and it really hurt him.
Sign Up Points: 6
Total Points: 46

6. Joe Hession
Best Status: "i got so drunk last night, i african americand out, haha"
Why This Was His Best Status: This is from the amazing stand up comedy of Zach Galifianakis. Joe's grammar was god awful, but the sentiment remains the same.
Worst Status: "sleepin over my sisters great, thank god iam not a serial killer came in here without her knowing and she is sound asleep"
Why This Was His Worst Status: Again putting aside Joe's shitty grammar, this status is bad because he let the world know that his sister sleeps at night without locking her doors.
Summary: Joe started out great, consistently putting up points every day and leading the contest for four days. But when others noticed that they needed to catch up, they posted more frequently, while Joe remained consistent in his one or two posts a day. Joe was also the only person in this contest to have negative points for a day (which he did twice). These two things led to Joe choking his lead quicker than the 2004 New York Yankees.
Sign Up Points: 9
Total Points: 49

5. Andrew McCabe
Best Status: "watching the celts play the hawks tonight made me think back when garnett layed out zaza pachulia in the playoffs two years ago. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T99aL8j4yyc&feature=related"
Why This Was His Best Status: It's a hilarious video of Kevin Garnett crushing someone. Who doesn't like that?
Worst Status: N/A
Why This Was His Worst Status:
Summary: Andrew mostly posted statuses about sports. I currently have a middling interest in sports. Is it a coincidence, then, that MacDaddy finished in the middle of the pack? Probably not. But, as he told me recently, he was shooting for somewhere around the middle anyway.
Sign Up Points: 1
Total Points: 51

4. Ryan McCue
Best Status: "going to zumba, then america's next top model on DVD with a pint of ben and jerry's. heaven?"
Why This Was His Best Status: Name one girl you know who hasn't posted a Facebook status about one of these things: going to Zumba, watching reality tv, or eating junk food and proclaiming it heavenly.

I'm waiting.

Couldn't do it? That's why it's his best status of the week.
Worst Status: Aaron called me twice and left a voicemail saying to call him back so i called him back and there was no answer. i hope he's ok.
Why This Was His Worst Status: On first glance, this doesn't seem so bad. He's worried about his friend, where's the bad there? I'll tell you where. Just minutes later, Ryan mocked this contest in the comments section under his status. Here is my reply to Ryan's attitude towards this contest. You only need to watch until the 48 second mark to get the point.
Summary: Ryan would have been closer to the top if he didn't mock the contest like 4 times on his Facebook.
Sign Up Points: 4
Total Points: 54

3. Jess Murphy
Best Status: "'if you're late for special ed.. is it proper to tell the teacher you're tardy?'"
Why This Was Her Best Status: I'm not sure what she is quoting, but this is still hilarious.
Worst Status: "the problem with 6 hour naps... i can't go to sleep when i need to..."
Why This Was Her Worst Status: There is nothing wrong with 6 hour naps.
Summary: Jess did far better in this contest then I thought she would. I barely ever see her post statuses normally, but somehow she posted enough to come in third place. I think that she was lucky in that the contest took place during the week of the LOST season premiere. She posted a lot about that, and I gave her a lot of points for it too.
Sign Up Points: 8
Total Points: 58

2. James Richards
Best Status: Rick from Foodmaster's senior picture
Why This Was His Best Status: I didn't give points for posted pictures, but James actually linked to this in his status. Absolutely hilarious, and that's why it was his best status.
Worst Status: N/A
Why This Was His Worst Status:N/A
Summary: I consider it a major upset that James didn't win first place. If the point of this contest was to make me laugh, he would have won. It's a damn shame that he didn't, because looking at his page was easily the most entertaining part of this contest for me. But at least the person who beat him had the second most entertaining page.
Sign Up Points: 5
Total Points: 85

And the winner is....

1. Brian Quinlan
Best Status: "the word of the day is legs, so let's go to my house and spread the word"
Why This Was His Best Status: Sexual Innuendo is hilarious. It would also be a fantastic phrase on "Wheel of Fortune."
Worst Status: "And then there was only a soul patch."
Why This Was His Worst Status: No one has ever looked good with a soul patch. I gave him the oppurtunity to show me a picture of his soul patch to prove it looked good. He declined to do so. Probably because he knew it was a lost cause.
Summary: Brian certainly posted the most out of anyone in the contest, but that doesn't mean he went for quality over quantity. Most of the things he said I liked, and while my favorite status is obviously the funny one, that doesn't mean a quality serious thought doesn't get points too. Brian had a good combination of both of these.
Sign Up Points: 3
Total Points: 93

So there you have it. Brian is the winner of the first Facebook Power 16. The next one will begin on March fifth. I will be notifying everyone through the blog group, but if you want to sign up now to get quality sign up points, you can by messaging me on Facebook. Please make sure that you clearly state that you want to sign up for it.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it in the blog on My Twitter Account.

Ms. Secrets Forces Evan to Go Clarissa On Your Ass

2009-12-02T17:49:00.002-05:00

Meaning I'm about to explain it all.

Q: Hey Evan,
It's been a while. Here is a question. Maybe answer it, maybe not.

How do you feel about friend mixing? (you know, mixing two separate groups of friends together, or individuals)
It can be awesome, but it can be dangerous as well. What are your thoughts?

Hope to read a new blog soon.
-Ms. Secrets

A: I think that it can be awesome, but it can also be dangerous as well.

Q: Hello Evan,
I have a question for you!
What are your thoughts on Twitter? Why not just update your Facebook status?
I know you have one, and I was actually thinking about getting one myself! Simply to follow you of course. ;) What do you think? Should I tweet?

Let me know. I hope to be reading more blogs from you soon...
-Ms. Secrets

A: Twitter is awesome. It's a way to express the hilarity that is my thoughts without exceeding 140 letters. There is no difference between that and updating your facebook status. I choose to try and always be funny on my Twitter while just updating on my life on Facebook, although sometimes I find that I am thinking something so awesome that I want 444 people to know what it is instead of 15. You should tweet, but I'd advise you to do it as whoever you actually are, instead of as Ms. Secrets.

Evan Tells You What the Top Ten Underrated TV Shows Are, and Hates On "The Cleveland Show"

2009-09-16T01:18:00.004-04:00

Q: Evan!

So I'm at work on break and I just thought of a list for you!

What are your choices for Top 10 Under-appreciated Television Shows?
Perhaps they got cancelled and shouldn't have been, or they are still on and you don't think people gave them the credit they deserve, you got the idea. (Arrested Development, and Freaks & Geeks are totally up there for me!)

I'm bad at questions/lists, but I try!

Talk to you soon!!
-Cyd

A: Great list suggestion. I'll get into this now, in no particular order:

10. Arrested Development: This show is ALWAYS listed on underrated TV show lists, and so it can't be as underrated as it seems. It's still pretty underrated.

9. Freedom: A show about renegades trying to overthrow a corrupt U.S. Government. A great plus for this show: it co-starred Darius McCrary, otherwise known as Eddie Winslow.

8. The Shield: Sure, it won Emmys, but the fact that I only have three or four friends that watched it shows that not enough people experienced it's greatness. This is a series that had some of the best guest star performances ever, including Forest Whittaker, Glenn Close, Andre 3000, and Anthony Anderson.

7. Step-By-Step: Cody. Need I say more? Then I will. ICE CREAM HEADACHE!

6. To Catch a Predator: It's definitely bad that I think you're this cute, laugh out loud.

5. The Office (US Version): Fits into the Shield category of Emmy award winning shows that don't get enough love.

4. Trailer Park Boys: Never really caught on in America, but the Bubbles character is one of the best characters to ever grace the small screen.

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: An incredibly hot blond fighting Vampires. These days, she'd probably try to bang them instead.

2. Even Stevens: Dreeeeeeeeam VACATION!

1: Friday Night Lights: This is one of my favorite TV shows ever. It has the perfect mixture of high school football and drama. The acting is ridiculously good, and it's got a good amount of eye candy for both sexes.

Q: Evan can your blog tackle all that is Seth McFarlane night on Fox? I mean, the Cleveland Show??? Haven't we had enough of this crap?
A: It can, and it will!

Personally, I haven't watched the Cleveland Show, and I won't! Seth McFarlane already had one show that he didn't spend enough time on (American Dad) before this
travesty started. Cleveland is the least funny character on Family Guy! I'd say that it was a good thing that Cleveland isn't on Family Guy anymore, except that now there's no one to make racist jokes at! Those were some fantastic, wildly inappropriate jokes! Exclamation Point!

You can't really blame Fox for giving McFarlane more air time. God knows they don't have anything else worth watching on that shitty network.

I won't watch that show until someone tells me it's good. I'm not holding my breath.

This Blog thrives on your input. Please help out by asking me questions atEvkid14@aim.com.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it into the blog on My Twitter Account.

Evan Answers a Question About RAs, and Discusses Facebook Some More

2009-09-09T21:21:00.005-04:00

You're in luck. I was not planning on doing a blog today at all. I had originally planned to run, and then visit my girlfriend. Then, when I started having stomach pains, I decided to just skip the run and go visit my girlfriend. Then, when the pain intensified, I decided to go to bed early and then go to the walk-in clinic first thing in the morning.

But i couldn't go to bed right away. There's no way I'd fall asleep at 9:15. So I thought to myself, "Self, what could I possibly do to distract myself for about an hour and a half until I go to bed?" And here was the answer. My loss is now your gain. Enjoy.

Q: Who's got two thumbs and a question for your blog? Not a cat you silly bologna slicing oak tree! It's ME!, johnnies most apathetic bagger.

Through a friend of a friend of a Facebook friend of a dog of a friend, I heard you go to Massasoit, so try your best to help me with this question.

do RA's And RD's take their jobs way too seriously? or is it just another job you gotta do?

-James Richards

A: I knew you weren't a cat, you jerk. You said who, and not what, so I knew it wasn't just a random cat. If I was going to guess a cat, I would guess a specific cat, like Katie's cat Cheez-it. (Who is cuddlier than me, according to her Facebook and Twitter) I also saw your E-Mail address.

I would say that RA's do not take their jobs seriously enough. Imagine, for a second, if Dwight K. Schrute was your RA. He would be knocking on your door every ten minutes to do Breathalyzer tests. And every week he would test your urine.

You have to consider that it is basically their job to keep you from making mistakes that could cost your school money. If you get drunk and fling yourself out the window, your parents are going to wonder why your RA didn't step in and remove the alcohol from your dorm. They might make a big stink about why little Jimmy is dead, even though little Jimmy brought it on himself. (In this situation, you play the part of Little Jimmy)

So, no, RA's don't take their jobs too seriously. This does not mean they aren't douche bags, but at least they're doing their job right.

I don't know what an RD is. I assume you mean Rick Dunn. And if so, yes, RD takes his job too seriously. He works like 26 hours a day. Anything more than 25 is just unnecessary.

Q: Evan,

I know you're not gonna provide a legitimate answer here, but your wittiness could prove to lighten the mood on the situation. Okay, here goes, two-part question relating to Facebook:

1. What's your opinion on the following annoying actions via Facebook: A. Fan pages B. Stupid quizzes C. Debby downers and their statuses D. People friending you who either you hated in high school or you just have no idea who they are. E. Notes and tagging people in them. F. Anything else you can think of.

2. Do you also find it creepy to be friends on Facebook with the older generation? (ex. mom, dad, Aunt Selma, Uncle Buck, cousin with same last name you don't know) I don't think they appreciate seeing their younger counterparts getting intoxicated and/or degrading women.

Thanks for the insight and keep being a douche,

-Scott

A: 1.
A) Fan Pages are only useful if it is an actor or some other sort of celebrity, who would be restricted to 10, 000 friends (or whatever the number is) on their facebook page. I do not need to know if you are a fan of breathing. I know you're a fan of breathing. I would be surprised if you said you were a fan of not breathing. But in that case you should just say that you are a fan of Auto-Erotic Asphyxia instead, to save yourself the grammar conundrum.
B) I only like the quizzes that end in a computer telling you who has a crush on you based on zero statistical evidence. It ends up being the people you work with. That stuff's funny, and also accurate. Everyone I work with wants to fuck me. I'm talking to you, Pat.
C) Debby Downers who post statuses that say, "Fuck everything, I don't want to live" always make me chuckle, because I will never ever acquiesce to their true desire, which is attention and sympathy for their whiny antics. I don't mind if people post sad things like, "Had a crappy day," because that actually is their status.
D) People usually don't friend me if if I don't like them, because I usually make it pretty obvious that I don't like them if I don't like them. I wouldn't have thought you'd have this problem either, Scott, given your blunt ways. Maybe you're getting soft.
As for the people who I don't know, it doesn't annoy me that much. If I care, I can always ask them how I know them. If I don't, I can always hit reject.
E) I don't mind when people tag people in notes, and it's not just because I've done it a million times.

Yes it is.

F) I don't like Mafia Wars. It always annoys me when people tell me what they need in that game. Tell someone who gives a shit!

2. I'm a little bit creeped out by friend requests from older family members, but if I like them, I'll accept their request. If they don't like pictures of me drinking, they can always delete me. (as for the degrading women part, what the hell is that supposed to mean? I don't degrade women!) Also, I do not tolerate people using my facebook to spy on me or comment on my shit for their own agenda, and I will delete even a family member who does so. I wouldn't add my parents, partly because I don't want them to have to see pictures of me drinking, and partly because they wouldn't want to see said pictures. (Before you start Mom, my profile is private and important people in the world can't see the pictures of me drinking unless I say they can)

Take Care Everyone,
Evan

This Blog thrives on your input. Please help out by asking me questions atEvkid14@aim.com.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it into the blog on My Twitter Account.

Evan helps a reader solve a personal problem, and makes more penis jokes than a Judd Apatow movie.

2009-08-28T12:54:00.003-04:00

Q: Why is there such a stigma about an 18 year old straight man growing a moustache? I've heard just because of an hairy upper lip I am either a gay man, pedophile rapist, or just a general sex offender. Many great men like Burt Reynolds, Ron Jeremy, Albert Einstein, and Hulk Hogan have rocked moustaches without a problem. What has happened to society?

-Snidely Whiplash

A: It's not your mustache, it's how you use it. Be careful that you don't stroke it in a way that suggests you like men, raping kids or whipping it out at your leisure. (Don't mind the big guy)

As far as looks are concerned, it's just a different time. If you look at the past generation, at some point beards replaced mustaches as far as cool was concerned. That's why you see my Dad rocking the 'stache and my bro rocking the goatee. Unfortunately for you, these trends last a lifetime. EG: My Dad is still considered cool, even though he has the 'stache.

It helps to have a big personality. Hogan had big muscles. Reynolds has huge star appeal. Einstein has a massive brain. And Jeremy had an enormous....well, Ron Jeremy has his own redeeming qualities.

(I mean his dick is huge.)

The reason people think you're gay is because girls these days do not like the way mustaches feel on their skin, nor do they like the way it looks. They will barely tolerate a beard, and they do so because it looks cool by their generation's standards. I would suggest you shave your mustache.

Or start taking Enzyme.

This Blog thrives on your input. Please help out by asking me questions atEvkid14@aim.com.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it into the blog on My Twitter Account.

Video Clip: Where My Snuggy At?

2009-08-14T03:14:00.003-04:00

Ms. Secrets makes her "triumphant" return!

2009-08-12T13:08:00.004-04:00

Q: Hello once again Evan!
A little birdie informed me that you were posting blogs again, and that if I sent you a question tonight it was sure to be answered!
I had gone to sleep, but since I awoke unexpectedly, I took it as a sign that I am supposed to send you a question, and so, here I am.
It has been some time since I last wrote, glad that you are back!
As for my question, please recount your most embarrassing moment. Followed by your most heroic (to up your spirits from reliving the embarrassing one...).
Talk to you soon,
-Ms. Secrets

A: Well, my most embarrassing moment is easy. It was the day I realized that I was so unoriginal that I needed terrible question askers like you to ask me questions so that my blog could continue.

In all honesty, I have more embarrassing moments than that. But you see, thanks to google deciding to fuck me over, I no longer get paid to write this blog. (This is also the reason for the lack of blogs for past few months) I don't think the trauma of exposing my darker secrets to the world via the Inter-web is worth nothing in return. But I will give you one of my more embarrassing moments, purely for entertainment value.

Back in 1997, the Patriots were about to play the Packers in the Super Bowl. To prepare for this, my fourth grade class was playing games that were football themed. One of these games involved balancing a miniature helmet on one's head and walking several feet. Unfortunately for Evdog, there was a slight problem keeping the helmet on top of my head due to the heinous mushroom cut that I was sporting at the time. It kept falling off, and anger was definitely setting in. After it fell off once again, my anger seeped through and I threw the helmet against the wall, smashing it to pieces. I then cried and ran out of the room, eventually getting a talking to by my teacher. You can't throw someone else's miniature helmet against the wall? My bad.

It may be my paranoia, but I believe that everyone there told this story to everyone else in Weymouth, and that my popularity was never the same after that. I eventually had to leave that school system due to lack of friends. But, I never had to pay for that helmet, so...who do YOU think the real winner here is?

My most heroic moment was when my plane crash landed on a mysterious island. People were dying, and I was the only doctor in sight. I ran around the scene, helping a pregnant lady (who thought she was having her baby) narrowly escape death by falling plane wing, helping a man get fallen debris off his now useless legs, and giving a dying African American woman mouth to mouth resuscitation. They hailed me as a hero that day, and appointed me their leader. Unfortunately, they eventually started challenging all of my decisions, even though all I was trying to do was to get them off the island and home to their families. I could put you through all the gory details, but ABC is making a documentary on this, and I wouldn't want to ruin it for you. I'm not sure what it will be called yet, but keep your eye out for it. Just know that it sometimes portrays me in a somewhat negative light.

This Blog thrives on your input. Please help out by asking me questions atEvkid14@aim.com.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it in the blog on My Twitter Account.

Evan Tells You What the Creepiest Hairstyle Is

2009-08-07T05:04:00.010-04:00

Q: Dear Evan
Do you agree that the center part is the most devilish and creepiest haircut?(see any serial killers court photos, or Crispen Glover). If not what hair do is more likely to be worn by a date rapist and/or evil doers?

Crispen Glover
-Brian E. Quinlan

A: I disagree. Are you familiar with the skullet?

The Skullet is a heinous cut to be sure, but even worse than this, especially when trying to scope out pedophiles, is the bald with hair on the sides.

Keep in mind that this is a picture of LOST's John Locke, and that since this is a picture of Locke that has hair on the sides super-imposed on, Terry O'Quinn is definitely not a pedophile, but I do not trust men who have hair only on the sides, and I never will. Especially if they want to buy me a Fribble.

Evan Bashes William Shakespeare

2009-07-28T22:00:00.009-04:00

I think it's interesting how unique people are. You take certain traits from each of your parents, and sometimes you can even take traits from generations further back.

I thought about this a lot today. I think it's odd that I can be such a good writer, yet receive mediocre results in a writing class. Those results stem from a lack of understanding of Billiam Shakespeare. ("Billiam sent me to tell you that I killed him!") I get my writing gene from my Mom. She is the one who taught me the tricks of the trade of grammar, and it came as naturally to me as I suppose it did to her. I combine the writing genes that I think come to me from her with the sense of humor that I believe came to me from my Dad.

I like all the traits that I received from my gene pool. What frustrates me is the traits I DIDN'T receive. Such as the model-like looks and drive my brother received in his Poole DE Jean. Or my sister's genius brains.

An ability I wish that I did receive is the ability to understand Shakespeare. That wily old son of a bitch talks in a code that Samantha Swoboda in P.U.N.K.S. couldn't crack.

It's difficult to do well in a class that grades you for your ability to understand and break down material that you can't understand or breakdown.

I'm sure that Shakespeare is written beautifully. A week ago my friend Mike went in-depth to explain how every word of Shakespeare's writing is there for an exact reason and that it is a remarkable thing to behold. I think that it has something to do with Iambic Pentameter. I'm just not exactly sure what. Catch you later.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, you can read all of the things that pop into my head but don't make it in the blog on My Twitter Account.

An All Cyd Blog

2009-07-02T18:18:00.006-04:00

Q: Hey Evan!
So even though you are not writing as often and your last answering of my questions you seemed rather short with me (but I will blame that on Ms. Secrets and the Bruins) I thought I would send you a question anyway.
What do you do when your bored? I'm going out of my mind right now and could use some ideas...
-Cyd

Oh, and here is a question you could either answer as a question, or make a list maybe?
If you had a soundtrack for your life, what songs would be on it? I have mine on my Facebook, it needs to be updated though...

Okay, that's all! Hope to see you soon!

A: I'll give you ten songs with ten explanations on ten separate Cd's.

10. The Science of Selling Yourself Short by Less Than Jake
Explanation: Because I am indeed my own worst enemy. Example of this: I am too lazy to be able to keep up with blogging once or twice a week. HOPEfully this will change.

9. You're the Best Around from the Karate Kid Soundtrack
Explanation: Replace "You're" with "I am" and you've got yourself an explanation. I HOPE you don't think I'm too conceited.

8. Worker's Song by Dropkick Murphys
Explanation: All I do is bust my ass at work every day and HOPE not to get fired.

7. We Like Sportz by Lonely Island
Explanation: I am exactly the kid of d-bag that they are describing in that song. I HOPE that doesn't make you think any worse of me.

6. Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day
Explanation: I just don't like September. I HOPE that this year August will end and October will begin. September blows.

List of awful things that have happened in September:
1) September 11
2) Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds cheat to break Roger Maris' record for home runs in a season.
3) Hurricane Katrina
4) Danny Almonte cheats in the Little League World Series
5) Cesar was killed by Brutus

5. Umbrella by Rhianna ft. Jay-Z
Explanation: I HOPE you know that you can always stand under my Umbrella, Cyd.

4. Forever by Dropkick Murphys
Explanation: It's a song that reminds me of Katie. I HOPE you don't think I'm lame for saying so. I also HOPE that you aren't getting tired of viewing the same fucking joke over and over.

3. Cold, But I'm Still Here by Evan's Blue
Explanation: Any time a band names themselves after a particularly melancholy mood I'm in, I'm going to listen to their songs. I enjoy this song the most.

2. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce
Explanation: Bad, Bad, Gregory S. Steele, he banged your girlfriend and invented the wheel....

^Quite an explanation, no?

1. The Pants by Brad Paisley
Explanation: Because Katie King owns my life. I really would do anything that girl asked me to. You better HOPE she doesn't order me to kill you, Cyd.

I just noticed that you had a question previous to the one about the playlist of my life, so here is your answer. When I'm bored, I like to play poker, make Mighty Duck or Sandlot jokes, shoot videos, write blogs, punch whales, and engage in Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation with David Carradine.

Hey Ev,
Q: Why does everyone else suck and not send you questions?
And also, I feel that it is time for me to be "that girl." What are your thoughts/feelings on the recent deaths of Farrah, MJ, and Billy Mays?! My Facebook is overflowing with mourners...
Much love yo.
[cyd]

A: I would think that no one sends me questions because no one remembers that I do a blog. I just don't have time to do this every few days, nor do I want to. I want to do a blog whenever I get to it, and I want people to be happy to see me post one.

I think that death is a big part of life. Everyone that is born will eventually die, and when they do, the only ones who care are the ones left behind. I am not sure what I beleive in religion-wise, but I do know that I beleive death to be easier than life. Not better, but easier. I don't know much about Farrah Fawcett, but I do know that MJ had a really hard life, and that Billy Mays probably put a lot of stress on himself by yelling a lot.

It's weird to see Michael get so much respect. If I aksed someone how they felt about Michael Jackson a year ago, I would probably get a response to the tune of, "Michael Jackson? That pedophile piece of garbage!? I hope he burns in hell!" But the past week or so, everyone has been singing his praises. And thats okay. It's okay to honor the dead. But just remember that he had his share of problems, and he had/has to answer for them.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, please support my blog by visiting the creator of Google at his home and PUNCHING HIM IN THE BALLS!

The Bruins Crushed My Soul....Ready For Some Sarcasm?

2009-05-14T23:40:00.003-04:00

John Tucker must die is a movie. I didn't see it. You know what movie I WOULD see? Scott Walker must die.

He has now reached an elite status of hate by me for an athlete that is shared only by Ulf Samuelsson, B.J. Surhoff, Michael Peca, Aaron Boone, Jorge Posada, Roger Clemens, both Manning Brothers, and Hal Gill.

First, this D-Bag sucker punches Aaron Ward, nearly fracturing his Orbital Bone. Then, the ridiculous NHL gives him a fine, with no suspension, after Milan Lucic was suspended earlier in the postseason for accidentally using his stick in defense. Walker was blatantly trying to hurt Ward, and Milan was just defending himself, and Lucic, NOT WALKER gets suspended.

Then, Walker, in the most sickening three seconds of my life (involving sports) since Aaron Boone's name became synonymous with heartbreak, scored in Overtime and absolutely shattered my heart.

And so now you know why the following answers to your questions may be bitter as hell.

Q: Evan,
You haven't yet answered my question on the Where the Wild Things Are movie, but since you are in need of questions it is Cydni to the rescue!
I will ask three questions in just one email!
1. Why do you not live in Boston? It would be so much better if we could chill/make fun of people more often. Plus, learning Korean would be easier to do together...
2. What is your favorite Crayola Crayon color? I was a huge fan of Midnight Blue, Brick Red (because they were both such rich deep colors), and Macaroni and Cheese (because it was the color and name of my favorite food!) when I was little.
3. If you could have any pet in the world, what would it be? I would settle for any of the large cats, but my fave is the White Tiger all the way...I WANT ONE!
Hope this helps! See you soon...?
-Cyd

1. I do not live in Boston because I cannot afford to live in Boston. Also, I don't want to. I'm no city boy.

2. Brink Pink. It's so obvious I wish I didn't even need to type it. That's like asking, "What's the Word?"

3. If I could have one pet in the world, it would be Chelsey's dog Buster. Most fantastic animal on the face of this earth.

Q: Evan,
Another question for you. What is Twitter and don't you think there are enough social networking sites already available? Why would anyone need anything other than facebook? Myspace was played out and facebook continues to make their site worse, but why should I join another site? Do you not agree that social networks are becoming the new reality tv...that is overdone?
-Rdono71

A: I believe that Twitter is Chip and Dale's moustached friend on Chip and Dale, Rescue Rangers.

Yes, I know that his name was actually Monty.

There are definitely too many social networking sites available. I feel like Twitter takes too much time and effort, while facebook requires as much effort as you want. I will only join twitter when Facebook becomes as obsolete as Myspace did.

Evan,
You are going to have to try a lot harder than that if you plan on hurting my feelings. Your so-called "sarcasm" isn't exactly what I would call clever or mean. Not that you are going to try harder, because that is just not the type of person that you are.
But let's not fight anymore, because I do so enjoy the friendship we have going and I don't want any harsh feelings!
Truths?
-Ms. Secrets

A: I am going to try harder. I assume you meant truce. You wrote it incorrectly, AND I HATED IT!!!!

Also, you assasinated J.F.K., you're a communist, you never mow your lawn, you don't acknowledge your own father, you killed Albus Dumbledore, you wrote all the scripts for Hannah Montana, You told Tyra Banks to work on her self esteem, you shot Goose's plane down, you sold out Anne Frank, you wrote No No Nanette, you started a food fight at the Benoit family dinner table, you told Tom Cruise just to be himself, you blew Gordon Bombay's chance at the NHL (even though he was one small step away), you told Tyler Perry he should be a comedian, you told O.J. not to take it lying down, and you gave Heath Ledger the wrong prescription.

Evan Discusses Manny's Suspension, The Bruins' Playoff Woes, and Tells You What His Favorite Alchoholic Beverage Is.

2009-05-09T21:47:00.004-04:00

After hearing the news of Manny Ramirez's suspension from the MLB for substance abuse, my first impulse was to laugh. My second impulse was to thank my lucky stars that he wasn't still on the team. My third impulse was to forget about it.

Until today. After reading this article by Bill Simmons, my fourth impulse was to worry. In the article, Simmons wonders if Manny's suspension, or potential other suspensions of players from our 2004 team, would taint the World Series victory that changed many lives for the better.

I decided that I am okay with it. Manny was caught this year. Not in 2004, but THIS YEAR. I think we should just assume that EVERYONE was on steroids until they started cracking down on them. Therefore, level playing field, our team was the best, suck on that, Selig.

If you are reading this, Bruins Nation, I implore you to rise up and will your team to victory on Sunday! The Bruins need us more than ever. We are better than they are! PLAY LIKE IT BOYS!

Was not a fan of how they played last night. We played an unimpressive dump style. Evan, don't you mean dump and chase? No, I do not. When the Bruins actually skated far enough to dump the puck into the corner, NEVER ONCE in the third period did they skate hard enough to retrieve it again.

Also, Cam Ward is a GOOD goalie. Not GREAT, just GOOD. But if you only take three shots in a period, like they did in that aforementioned third period (which was the most crucial period of their season thus far, I might add) you probably won't get any goals. To beat Ward, the Bruins need to take at least ten shots in a period (and that's at the very least). And that is to score ONE goal.

Finally, with the way Carolina has been playing the box on the penalty kill, (they are forcing the bruins to play on the sides of the rink) it might be a good idea to play a 2-3 power play, with two guys (one on each side) going into the corners to come away with the puck, and three guys to play around the blue line (two on the sides and one in the middle). This way, they can work the puck to the middle of the ice and let Chara rip it on net, while Lucic and Recchi provide traffic in front of the goal. It's unconventional, but it might work, and it would certainly help prevent another shorthanded goal. I'm just saying.

And finally, let's get to some questions, shall we?

Q: So I saw your Thirsty Thursday post and, since I'm a little drunk myself, I thought I'd ask a question as well. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Since you're Irish, I expect a good answer.
-Ryan C. Peterson

A: My favorite drink is definitely the Irish Car Bomb. Not only does it get you drunk quickly, but it also tastes like chocolate milk. More ovaltine, please!

Of course, if you are an avid reader of this blog, (or your name is Ryan McCue) you know that I was once served a car bomb by a hero of mine, Ken Casey of the Dropkick Murphys. If you somehow haven't heard this story, here it is.

Q: I haven't pondered my master question yet but to keep your blog running I'll shoot this one at you for now:

Dear Evan,

First off, let me congratulate you on reaching a level of toolness that I didn't believe possible. (Evan Note: he means that I write a blog) Secondly what is your theory on what happened to that overweight chipmunk that taught us nothing all those years back, and for that matter the rest of our shop mates? Third, what are you thoughts on young ladies who get preggo right out of high school, much like one of our aforementioned classmates. And finally for a future top 10 would you consider "Top 10 actors/actresses that need a bullet to the head"?

Thanks for your time,

Scott "Worlds Biggest Douchbag" Cavagnaro.... at least I'll admit it.

A: Wow, Scott, you really stepped it up here. I have to admit, I did not expect a question (or should I say questions, which I obviously prefer more, seriously good job dude) of this caliber out of your tiny little mind. HOORAY FOR YOOOUUUUUU!
(Yes, I know I've linked to that before. I just though you deserved to hear it again. Mostly because I BELIEVE IN YOOOOUUUU!)

I know for a fact that Mr. O. is still working at Blue Hills, because I met someone who worked there at a Carepacks meeting. (Just a shameless plug right there, but seriously go to that site, it's a fantastic organization) He asked me if I wanted to send a message to Mr. O., to which I replied, "Tell him I said what up." I'm still waiting for a return message.

I would also like to add, Scott, that calling Mr. O. an overweight chipmunk may have contributed to his removal of you from the school's property. I'm just saying.

Let me run down a list of what I think might have happened to the rest of our classmates with one word for each person.

Scott: Gay.
H-G: Prison.
Welchman: Invisible.
Corey: Microsoft.
Jackie: Pregnant (too obvious, but she seems really happy in her pictures, so good for her).
Joe: Wilderness.
Mousey: Disney.
Stealthy: Agent.

I can't remember what the rest of their names were.

My thoughts on Jackie getting pregnant are: I hope her and her baby are healthy and happy, and I just can't wait to see what you will say to her at our 5-year reunion. I also hope that her baby isn't afraid of squirrels.

I would consider that for a top ten list, but I would need to phrase it differently. Perhaps Top Ten Celebrities That I Wish Didn't Exist?

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Also, please support my blog by visiting the creator of Google at his home and PUNCHING HIM IN THE BALLS!

Evan writes a VERY quick blog

2009-05-08T03:28:00.006-04:00

This blog is going to be so short that I'm not even going to make a note about it on Facebook. So if you're reading this, thanks for loving me.

I haven't posted in a while. Big whupp, wanna fight about it?

It turns out that Google was scamming me. I did not and will never receive the money from them that I obviously earned. But that's okay....cuz we're together Agaiinnn. For anyone who doesn't get that reference...click here.

Anyway, no questions tonight. I know you're disappointed, but I would just like to take this time to honor one of the best television shows ever written:

Scrubs.

Without getting spoilerish, Tuesday night's series finale managed to incorporate absolutely everything I would want in Scrubs' final episode. They made me laugh, they made me cry, they made me happy. Bill Lawrence is a fucking genius.

I know this wasn't that long of a blog, but I feel like if I give you just one more youtube clip, this will have been worth it for you. So here is one of my all time favorite obscure youtube clips.

Top Ten Tuesdays #3

2009-04-14T13:28:00.005-04:00

You can email me suggested lists at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Q: No I couldn't remember the full quotes off the top of my head so I looked them
up, big whoop wanna fight about it.

Gordon Bombay: Yes sir, Mr. Ducksworth. Thank you very much, Mr. Ducksworth.
Quack, quack, quack, Mr. Ducksworth!

Mr. Gerald Ducksworth: Gordon, stop quacking!

Gordon Bombay: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!

Dwane Robertson "When the roosters are crowin' and the cows are spinnin' circles
in the pasture, ducks fly together!"

Here's a top ten category for ya,

Top ten childhood tv shows aka pete & pete all that salute your shorts etc.
Top ten favorite looney toons
Top ten favorite Greg Steele's

Love you sweety,
G-Unit (Greg Steele)

A: Those are very nice ideas. I'm not actually going to use any of them, however.

I'm actually going to use my own idea:

Top Ten Favorite New England Athletes of My Time

10. Milan Lucic: The newest addition to my favorite athlete list, Milan is best known for this hit.

9. Dustin Pedroia: Reminds me of Nomar in his prime, because every time he swings, he hits the ball hard. Also plays a hell of a second base.

8. Guye Senjem: Yeah, he counts.

7. Pedro Martinez: Hands down the best pitcher I've ever seen, bar none.

6. Tom Brady: A huge catalyst in the turnaround of New England Sports as far as championships are concerned.

5. David Ortiz: The most clutch hitter I've ever seen. I was actually there for one of his walk offs, seen here.

4. Manny Ramirez: Most entertaining baseball player of all time. Think about it. Who is the most talked about athlete in Boston, be it about homers, blunders, or all-out shenaniganry? If this guy isn't a first ballot hall of famer, something went wrong.

3. Alexei Lalas: Hahahaha just kidding, soccer doesn't matter in America. Or anywhere.

2. Sergei Samsonov: Check out THIS sweet goal. Sorry for the poor video quality.

1. Nomar Garciaparra: The greatest baseball player to ever play baseball during a baseball game.

Q: Dearest Evan,
A few questions to ponder over that can stimulate your blog for your readers' delight! If I bought you an Oakland Athletics Garciaparra jersey, would you ever consider trading it straight up for your very own Doppleganger? (That is our terminology for a sweet Doppler Radar System for the readers that don't know what that is).

If you could be any kind of animal, what would you be and why?

What are your HONEST predictions about this years' NHL Playoffs?
-Ryan Donohue

A: Assuming that the Doppleganger was a real thing, I would take that. I could purchase a Nomar Athletics jersey for 100 dollars, but I could never afford the greatness that is the Doppleganger.

With the ability to turn myself into any animal at will, I'd still be a man-bear-pig every time.

I assume that you meant what are my predictions for the Bruins in this years' playoffs. My prediction is the same now as it was in October: The Bruins will win the Stanley Cup. Tim Thomas will stand on his head, and Phil Kessel is going to break the playoff record for goals. Suck on that, Sakic.

Evan is pissed at Ms. Secrets, and Discusses the Shamwow Guy.

2009-04-13T14:37:00.004-04:00

Q: I'd like to hear your take on this article.

http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090412/COLUMNISTS09/304129891/-1/sports
-Mom

A: I LOVE it. This man and I should definitely join forces against the Pink Hats of Boston.

I'm not too worried about the Red Sox. They obviously have talent, and that talent has kept them close in games even though they have made some serious mental errors. Just yesterday, they had the bases loaded in the eight inning, down by one run, and failed to score. Now, this happens from time to time, but here the fault I found in it: Every single batter who made an out that inning swung on the first pitch. Why would you swing at the first pitch when the pitcher had just walked ALL THREE runners that were on base?! If a pitcher has been that wild, you make him throw a strike before you even THINK of swinging the bat. Just terrible fundamentals there.

It's up to the coaching to fix these problems, and since Terry Francona is a fine manager, I expect the Red Sox to get their heads back in the game real soon, and when they do, I fully expect them to win ball games this year. They've got too much talent not to.

Q: Hello Evan,
I must say that I am disappointed that you did not answer my question on your online behaviors. One would have thought you could go for the challenge. And just FYI, I don't need help coming up with questions, I have plenty of questions to ask. Perhaps instead you should get someone to help you answer them, you're the one having the problems, not me.

Here is a question for you:
What recent news story have you heard lately that made you angry and why? And to counter that, what recent news story have you heard that made you happy?
-Ms. Secrets

A: FYI, you DO need help coming up with questions. My problem with the online behavior question was that the only answers I could have come up with would have hurt your feelings. I could have answered it, but it would have been sarcastic and mean. But since you are now calling me out on it (which was a mistake, by the way) I will now answer that question in my full meanitude. I deleted that E-Mail, so pardon my taking liberties with your question:

Do you behave any differently online than you do in real life, and if so, what are the differences?

The answer of course would have been, "The only difference is that I hold back online when one of my readers sends me an annoyingly boring question, such as this one. In real life, if someone annoys me, I become incredibly sarcastic and at some points mean. It is obvious that I put a bit of my personality into each one of my answers, as anyone who actually pays attention to my writing could attest to. To sum it up, I just don't think my readers would have been interested in your question and subsequently, that they wouldn't be interested in my response. This blog's purpose is to entertain."

So, in actuallity, I basically answered your question by not answering your question. I was sparing your feelings by not calling you out on your lame, generic questions. And that is the difference between me in real life and me on my blog. I hold back. Why is it that I did it that way? I don't want to lose readers, because I appreciate the hell out of every single one of you. Even the snarky ones.

And I'm sure you do have pleanty of questions. I have so few questions mailed to me that I can ill afford not to asnwer one of them. Now that you know this, perhaps in the future, (providing you're still a fan of me after my tirade against you) you will take into account that if I do not answer a question, there is probably a very good reason for it. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but if you do decide to hate me, just know that you're not the first and unfourtantely, probably won't be the last.

To answer your question, I don't really watch the news. When I do, I end up pissed off at all the terrible things that happen in the world, kids dying young, rapists raping, ect. Since I don't watch the news, the worst news story that I had heard recently was that Dustin Pedroia had gotten himself injured at the World Baseball Classic. The best news story came a few days later when I found out that he wasn't badly hurt and would miss a limited amount of time.

Since i don't want to go out on a sour note:

Q: Evan,
Why does the guy from the Shamwow infomercial wear a headset?
-Ryan Donohue

A: He's listening to Cheers to You.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Thirsty Thursdays #3

2009-04-09T21:41:00.007-04:00

After a few weeks absence, here is a brand new Thirsty Thursdays (Drunken Questions with Muddy Water):

Q: let me start with saying that irish is here and he is the man. irish knows hoew to party and thats all hat needs to be done. let me ask you evan, does ever bar tender hve to be way out of my league? dont be ude just answer like a scholar. to be fair all bar tenders need to nbe precise when acting apon a customer or they will have to be too tight if you know whjT I MEAN. to be etra fair this keyborard sucks. keep it real evdog and make sure you know whats up. dig it.
-Muddy Water

A: At first glance, I wasn't even sure if you had actually asked me a question or not.

On second glance, I realized that you had set me up to absolutely destroy you with my answer to your one question.

And so, I was gonna use this paragraph to cut you down until you cried muddy tears out of your muddy eyes. But I'm not gonna do that. Instead I am going to speak from the heart, in the only way I know how: A haiku.

Here goes:

They are not all hot
Some will let you take them home
You are just ug-ly

Sure, I still insulted you. But I answered like a scholar, Ace.

You can email me questions or list suggestions at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" or "Question" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

I would like to implore you to ask me a question, as I only have one question in my Questions Folder right now. I can't do a blog without at least two! Also, try and make your questions fun and challenging for me. I'll answer most questions, but readers enjoy creativity! Have some fun with it!

Top Ten Tuesdays #2

2009-04-07T21:40:00.010-04:00

You can email me suggested lists at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, please keep it to one suggested list per E-Mail.

Top Ten Power Rangers Characters

(Before we get things started, feel free to take a trip down Memory Lane. That video is ALL of the Power Ranger openings from Season one to Season 3, AKA the ONLY SEASONS THAT FUCKING MATTERED!

10: Lord Zedd (Villain): He revitalized the puddies, but for some reason gave them an easy way to lose by putting the Zs on their chest. Just terrible villainry, but at least he looked cool.

9. Zordon (Leader of the Power Rangers): He spoke in a really low voice, and I dug that.

8. Ivan Ooze (Villain): The villain from the first Rangers movie, Ooze was pissed off because he missed the Brady Bunch Reunion due to his enprisonment in a "hyperlock chamber" for 6,000 years. (I didn't notice at the time that if Ivan had really been enprisoned for 6,000 years, he wouldn't even have known what the Brady Bunch was.)

7. Farcus "Bulk" Bulkmier and Eugene "Skull" von Skullovitch: Bulk and Skull were the comedy relief. Watch this video, and remember how awesome it was to laugh at the fat bully getting punished for his deviancy.

6. Ernie, the sassy yet wise bartender: Whenever Bulk and Skull would get into trouble he would make this face:

Also, why was that his job? How much money can you possibly make as a bartender at a youth center? The tips had to have sucked, right?

5. Kat Hillard (Pink Ranger #2): Eye candy to replace eye candy. (She became the Pink Ranger after Kimberly left to do gymnastics professionally)

Her best moment was when she taught a chimp sign language. You can't make this shit up unless your Japanese.

4. Zack Taylor (Black Ranger #1): Yet another racial sterotype on Power Rangers: the black guy is the black ranger. (The Yellow Ranger was Asian too!)

3. Tommy Oliver (Green Ranger #1/White Ranger #1): This guy was a Power Ranger from 1993 to 2005! According to Wikipedia, (which is never wrong and is 100 percent accurate 100 percent of the time) this makes him the longest tenured Ranger of all-time.

Tommy was 1,326,348,537,348 percent cooler because he was dating Kimberly.

SAYYYY-YUHHHHH!!!!!

2. Jason Lee Scott (Red Ranger #1): He was the best leader, (Tommy was too busy chasing tail to be an adequate leader, but they made him leader anyway) and his Tyrannosaurus Dinozord was the most badass of all of the Megazord peices.

1. Kimberly Hart (Pink Ranger #1): I know for a fact that the first time I had an erection was because of this girl.

Kimberly was written off the show in the most fantastic way. When the actor that portrayed Kimberly (Amy Jo Johnson) left to be on "Felicity," they said that Kimberly was moving to train full time in gymnastics, but left it open for a possible return at a later time. A year later, it became clear that she would not return, so they had Tommy receive a letter from Kimberly saying that she had met another man and was subsequently cheating on him. Great stuff.

Honorable Mentions:
Rita Repulsa (Original Villain)
Alpha Five (Robot) (Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi!)
Billy Cranston (Blue Ranger #1, nerd)
Rocky DeSantos (Red Ranger #2)
Adam Park (Black Power Ranger #2)
Trini Kwan (Yellow Ranger #1) SABA TOOF TIGA!!!

Evan barely mentions "Varsity Blues," and adresses his bromance with Nomar.

2009-04-04T14:36:00.004-04:00

Q: Hey Evan,
I am writing to inform you that your Disney countdown had a major flaw in it. You said, and I quote, " Miracle: 'Best Pump Up Speech by a Coach In a Sport Movie' award winning movie." Where you went wrong was the fact that the best pump up speech by a coach in a movie was given by Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday. Nuff Said!
-Ryan Donohue

A: I didn't see that movie. I did see Varsity Blues, but that coach was a dick.

Q: Evan,
While you have yet to answer my last question on your online behaviors I am going to send you another question anyway. That way you can not complain about not writing blogs because your readers are not helping you along.
My question for you today is if you were sent to prison for some reason (I hope that this never happens! Although, being locked up would be like blog heaven as far as time and inspiration go...) what food would you miss the most? Feel free to pick multiple foods from different categories (protein, dairy, dessert, ect.) , I know it is hard to narrow down to just one.
Until my next question.
--Ms. Secrets

A: I'd miss apple desserts and cake. I love anything that is baked apple and ice cream. I also enjoy frosting. I couldn't find any way to make my answer to your last question entertaining.

If you would like some advice on what sort of questions to ask, see here:

Q: Hey Evan, I just wanted to ask you a question. Given the chance, would you marry Nomar Garciaparra?

Also, I would like to share this video with your readers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5rF_X-8LiI
-Ryan McCue

A: Yes, Ryan, I would marry Nomar Garciaparra. Of course, then after I would divorce him, take half his money, and run away with Doug Mirabelli, leading to the following events:

11:31 AM, Monday: Dougie calls Nomar and asks if he wants his money back. When Nomar says yes, Dougie calls him a pussy singles hitter and hangs up the phone.

11:35 PM, Monday: Nomar is found dead of an apparent suicide.

11:25 AM, Tuesday: Dougie arranges for Nomar's gravestone to say, "He Was a Pussy Singles Hitter."

You can email me questions or suggested "Top Ten Tuesdays lists at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort. Also, realize that I will only use one list per E-Mail sent to me. (Basically, I will choose the best list in your E-Mail.)

Top Ten Tuesdays #1

2009-03-31T21:12:00.004-04:00

Since "Thirsty Thursdays with Muddy Water" turned out to be pretty unreliable, (who would have guessed that a segment relying on a drunk person remembering to type out questions after a night of drinking would turn out to be unreliable?) and because I know my readers like consistency in a blog, I decided on a different weekly segment.

It's called Top Ten Tuesdays, and the concept is simple. Each week, I will make a new list, ranking things in decreasing order from ten down to one. (With one being my favorite)

You can email me suggested lists at Evkid14@aim.com. Please make sure you put "List" as the subject, as this makes it easier for me to sort.

Top Ten Disney Movies:
(This List Includes both animated and live action movies. Movies that have sequels will be counted as one movie.)

10. Heavyweights: Ben Stiller as a bad guy always equals comedy gold.

9. The Newsies: Christian Bale delivering papers. Note to the guy bringing the Newsies their papers: you better get Christian his 'papes on time, you unprofessional dick.

8. Cool Runnings: Sanka, you dead? No, man. Irv, you dead? Irv? Irv?

7. A Goofy Movie: Always good when you're favorite TV show makes a movie. At the time, I don't think I could have been more excited to see that movie.

6. The Aladdin Series: Jasmine=Hottest Disney Princess. Also, you can't go wrong when Steve from Full House is voicing the main character.

5. The National Treasure Series: No one's made history this interesting since "Histeria" went off the air. "Like me, John Hancock!"

4. Remember the Titans: Does anyone else feel awkward when they re watch this movie because the little girl (Hayden Panettiere) turned into a major fox? Turk played safety.

3. The Pirates of the Caribbean Series: Aarrrrr you going to the mall today?

2. Miracle: "Best Pump Up Speech by a Coach In a Sport Movie" award winning movie.

1. The Mighty Ducks Series: The best movie of all time when it comes to obscure quotes. Pick up the blogging, NOW!

Evan Wants to Make St. Patty's an Official Holiday and Discusses Languages

2009-03-30T22:20:00.004-04:00

Q: Dear Evan,

I don't know if you have heard but Guinness has a petition going to make St.
Patty's an official holiday. I think it would be just wonderful if you would
advertise it on your blog and help spread the word; we all know that it is the
greatest holiday there is. Here is the link.

http://www.proposition317.com/Gateway.aspx

Yours Truly,
G. Steele

P.S.
Other notable red sox of yesteryear: Big Mo Vaughn, he was just a big ol teddy
bear, John Valentin was a solid ball player, Christopher 'Trot' Nixon, and who could
forget el guapo, Rich Garces?

A: I signed the petition and you can consider this me getting the word out, but I have to ask: wouldn't it be more prudent to have the day after St. Patty's off of work? That way, you could drink all night and sleep all day. Perhaps it could be a two-day holiday like on Thanksgiving? Either way, everyone should definitely sign that petition.

Q: Hey Evan!
So I wanted to give you a question to ensure that you can keep writing new blogs!
Alrighty, so here is my question. Can you speak any other language other than English fluently? If not, which one would you want to learn most and why?! (I hope you don't say Spanish because it's useful...) And if you can speak another language fluently, what is it? And which language would you next want to learn?
I would want to speak Korean, as I am Korean!
-Cyd
PS: visit Ryan.

A: Assuming that I didn't have to put any effort into learning the language, I would learn Chinese. I feel like Chinese people are constantly making fun of white people in another language, and I'd enjoy knowing what they are saying. Actually, I wouldn't even need to be able to speak it, just understand it; I could always just reply in English. That'd actually be funnier.

The second language could be Korean or Gaelic. In that first scenario, you and I could talk all the trash we wanted about Ryan and his friends/potential girls. Of course, you would have to also learn Korean. In the second scenario, I could speak the language of the gods: the Irish.

Evan is Called Out on his Boy Meets World Fanhood and Presents Some Solutions to the Brockton Rox' Attendance Issues

2009-03-27T21:15:00.005-04:00

Q: I was catching up on your blog when I read that there were 8 BMW Halloween episodes. I probably could google it, but that would be too time consuming. Instead, I will ask you and have to wait for an undetermined amount of time for you to respond: I only remember like two, what are all 8?
I get the feeling you like Scrubs. List your favorite: episode, character, Dr. Cox insult, and anything else you can think of.
-Ryan Peterson

I was exaggerating. I actually thought there were around five. But in actuality, there were only three, and only two of them actually aired around the time of Halloween. Here they are:

1. Season 2, Ep 6: Who's Afraid of Cory Wolf?
Air Date: 10/28/1994
It's an episode where Cory thinks he is a werewolf. Always seemed like a Halloween episode to me, and it aired two days before it. I'm pretty sure Topanga is dressed up in costume when she comes to Alan Matthew's house at the end of the episode.

2. Season 5, Ep 5: The Witches of Pennbrook
Air Date: 10/31/1997
Jack has a new girlfriend, but problems arise when the boys realize she's a witch. Luckily, Eric saves the day.

3. Season 5, Ep 17:
Air Date: 2/27/1998
The gang is stalked by a killer at John Adams High. Jennifer Love Hewitt guest stars as Jennifer Love Pfeferman.

Now for my Scrubs Favorites:

Episode: My Lunch
One of the more powerful episodes of scrubs. The scene where Dr. Cox's friend's death makes him snap and sends him into a downward spiral gets me a little teary eyed every time. The Fray's "How to Save a Life" in the background doesn't help. There's also some great "The Todd" scenes.

Character: Janitor
Not so much for the punishment he inflicts on J.D., but for the wonderful improvisation skills by Neil Flynn. The Srubs DVDs are worth the buy just for the multiple takes by the Janitor.

Dr. Cox Insult: Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out.
Not because it's the funniest insult, but because it's what I think when a customer at the deli tells me their life story. And I had forgotten why I thought that. I'm such an unoriginal bastard.

Favorite J.D. Quote:
Dr. Kelso: Do you want me to order you a clown?
J.D.: A drunk clown hurt me once.

Favorite Janitor Quote:
Old Version of Janitor: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things that I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world...
Janitor: Punch a whale?
OVOJ: No, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.

Q: So the Rox season is starting up again soon, and as I'm sure you've noticed, attendance has been real bad. What are they doing wrong?
What should they do to get their fan base back?
-S.Squarepants
A: I'll tell you what they are doing wrong. They are releasing their best players! First Senjem two years ago, and then, last August, Francisco "King James" Lebron. Now, I'm not a baseball manager, but releasing your three hitter one year and your cleanup hitter the next may not be the greatest idea ever. One off year does not mean that they won't ever hit again.

People won't come out to the ballpark unless they start making creative entertainment solutions. So here are some possible solutions for them:

1) Have Bill Murray play 1st base: I don't know if he can play or not, but the prospect of seeing Murray step into the box against Rich "El Guapo" Garces is a situation that I'm positively salivating over.

2) Sign Doug Mirabelli: Dougie going deep for the Rox out of the cleanup spot would be a dream come true for Red Sox fans. Dante Bichette could bat fifth.

3) Bring back Guye Senjem: Attendance was at an all-time high when the 2006 MVP was hitting them outta the park, right?

(By the way, make sure to vote for Senjem for the Rox' All-Time team by emailing the Rox at roxbaseball@brocktonrox.com. He is under the category of Right Fielder.)

4) Fifty Cent Beer Nights: Sure it may not make much money for them, but you didn't ask me how they can make money, only how they can boost ther attendance. I suppose they could just let people in for free.

5) Bring back the Rox Lobster, and make him the primary mascot: K-O the Kangaroo doesn't even make any sense.

6) Sign Jon-Mac to a 2 year deal: No one in the Can-Am League could touch his 12 to 6 curve, and the ladies love him. Look out Ellsbury, Jon-Mac is the new Pink Hat favorite.

7) Hire Dan Akroyd as the General Manager, and continously play the Ghost Busters theme during opposing players at bats: Who doesn't want to frustrate a minor league player by singing "When there's something strange, in your neighborhood" as he flails hopelessly at a curveball. Sit down, meat.

8. Allow me to finally get the Rox tickets Nicole bought me for my Bday two years ago. It still annoys me that I never got them: This will help attendance by one person plus whoever comes with me.

9. Only allow your players to walk to the plate to gangsta rap: It is Brockton,
after all. What else would bring people in off the streets?

10. Have the "throw the ball and see if you can make the pitchers mound from the stands" contest while the opposing pitcher is currently pitching: A lot of these ideas would help the team win, too.

11. Bring back Guye Senjem: Please?

Evan Lists the Top Ten Red Sox Players He Misses, and Also Discusses Giving Money To Homeless People...As Usual, Ms. Secrets is Also Discussed.

2009-03-26T01:15:00.007-04:00

Q: Hello Evan,

I just was reading your blog, like I usually do when you post one, and I decided maybe I should say hello. I clicked on your ad, in hopes that you would make a buck, and when you have enough money saved up you can buy me Shredder's Lair to go with my Ninja Turtle Sewer room. I just wanted to tell you that your blogs brighten my day. And we need to go out and get drinks soon.

My question for you is, on my way into school today there were quite a few homeless people outside the train station. Would you give money to the homeless?

-Nicole Fabricius

A: Well Nicole, you've put me in a bit of a bind. I had you pegged as Ms. Secrets, but here you are sending me a question as yourself. Although, if you were actually Ms. Secrets, that would be a cunning way to throw me off the trail.

Let me answer a question that you are probably asking yourself about myself. Do I lie awake at night wondering who Ms. Secrets is? The answer is yes. One time I got up in the middle of the night and dropped to my knees yelling, "SECRETS!" over and over until I cried myself to sleep.

Sorry to get so off topic Ms S...er, Nicole. I would indeed give money to the homeless. The only times I don't are:

A) When a homeless man comes up to me when I am driving my truck. I just got my truck, and putting your dirty hand on it is not good incentive for me to give you money.
B) When I have a lot of money on me, and the homeless man is big enough to kick my ass and take all of my money if he sees it in my wallet when I am pulling out a few bucks for him.
C) If they have a funny sign. According to Chris Rock, "If a homeless man has a funny sign, they haven't been homeless for very long. A real homeless man is too hungry to be funny.

Q: Dear Evan,
Wiffleball season is coming up and im pretty excited to park a few in the Lemieres' yard. Can we expect another no-hitter at McCue Grounds(the house that Jonathan Built) this year? If so, will it be because of the will to win? This got me thinking about no-hitters and the one that Carl Everett broke up off Mike Mussina at Fenway in the ninth and that got me thinking about how much I miss Carl Everett and his not believing in dinosaur antics. Give me a list 1-10 of the Red Sox you miss the most who have left the team (players like Ted Williams don't count. I mean people you watched play and experienced having them in town). Thanks Evan. Shout out to Ms. Secrets! Shout in to Mr. Secrets! And for god sakes, soft hands!
Love,
Ryan McCue

A: No-hitters are not something one can just go out and do. You need the perfect storm of good pitching, good defense, and well, just a little luck.

The following paragraph applies to everyone but me. I am the best pitcher to ever pitch at McCue Grounds (the house that Jonathan Built). Expect three, maybe four no-hitters, especially if Billy "Will to Win" Monroe, AKA Willy Gonzalez is on my team. I think to pysch everyone else out I'm going to put together a montage of me throwing a wiffleball with incredible speed over and over again while Randy stands behind me saying knowledgable things like, "If you want to win, you have to come to the field," with "You're the Best" from the Karate Kid Soundtrack blaring in the backround. Then at the end, Randy says "Don't be a Robbie" three times, with each one faded out a little more than the last one.

That's right. I'm bringing my A game, bitch.

As for your list:

10. John Henry Williams-Because his father, Ted, was the best hitter of all time.

9. Curt Schilling-Did the most for the city of Boston then any other Red Sox player in history.

8. Mike Lansing-I always liked his batting stance.

7. Troy Oleary-he hit that grand slam that time.

6. Manny Ramirez-the best hitter/most entertaining persona of any player in the history of Major League Baseball.

5. Izzy Alcanta-I'll let this clip speak for me.

4. Carl Everett-Best head butt of an umpire of all time.

3. Rod Beck-Anyone who drops his gum on the ground, then picks it up and inserts it back into his mouth, and all of this happens on live TV, can pitch for my team any day. God bless his soul and his mullet.

2. Craig Grebeck-If Nomar never existed, a mortal lock for number one. Grebeck is the master of turning two. One time I saw him turn two while helping his friend move in to a new appartment.

1. Nomar Garciaparra-My favorite player of all time. Every time he is a free agent, I confidently expect the Sox to sign him to an 8-year, one hundred million dollar contract. Alas, it seems not to be. We'll always have the .372 year, Nomar. And Paris. Tell your hair I said, "Thanks, beautiful."

Evan Discusses Cupcakes, St. Padolpho, and Explains Why His Hair Rules

2009-03-24T21:19:00.013-04:00

Q: Evan,
Cupcakes or doughnuts? Sprinkles, frosting, how do you like them?

S.Squarepants

A: If I have to decide between these two delicious treats, I'd have to go with cupcakes. Doughnuts sit in your stomach forever, so even though you get a few bites of heavenly glaze or jelly, you will be punished for it for a long time.

Cupcakes however, do no such thing. You can digest them just as easily as any other food. Also, I enjoy the taste of cupcakes more then the taste of doughnuts anyway.

Not a fan of sprinkles. Explain to me what the use of sprinkles is. As far as I can tell, sprinkles are just there to take away from the taste of the frosting. And I'm a frosting junkie. That's what my sweet tooth craves. And nothing tops the peanut butter frosting on Katie's cupcakes. Not even a Krabby Patty.

Q: Dear Sir Evan R. Donohue III ESQ.

If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself? Did i tell you how
(K)Adolfo marched in the parade Sunday with an orange beard and leprechaun hat?
it was comical. How's your face? I know you enjoy your hair a lot, and we all do
to0, so enlighten us, what is your secret? What's the meaning of life? Do all
dogs go to heaven? What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about? (that
question brought to you by Terry Martinson's t-shirt). That's all I got for ya.
Miss you sweety pie.

XOXOXOXOX
G.Steele

P.S.
Does that make me gay?

A: If I ate myself, I would be dead. Then again, i do enjoy a good hot dog.....Let me get back to you on that one.

You didn't tell me about Kadolfo marching in the parade, but I heard about it on the Toucher and Rich radio program yesterday morning. I got this picture from http://wbcn.zipscene.com/photos/view/5722?page=1.
You gotta love the stuff they make Adolpho do. But they've given him a pretty good life, so I don't feel bad for him. I think they really do like him, and if they don't, at least he's got Chili Guy. "There's Kadolpho! He stole that truck!"

My face is okay. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it about a six and a half.

My hair, as you rightly pointed out, is better than that. It's pushing an eleven on a scale of one to ten. (You had us at hello, Jack-O.) What do I do with it? I get my hair cut by Meghan Walsh at La Beaute. I clean it every day, and condition it every other day. Also, I use La Looks products. So suck it.

The meaning of life is throwing no-hitters at McCue Grounds, the house that Jonathan Built

Luckily, the Hokey Pokey is not what it's all about. It's about throwing no-hitters at McCue Grounds, the house that Jonathan Built

P.S. You are so gay.

P.P.S. In regard to your hot dog question, I wouldn't eat myself, but I'd have to be a carnivore. I'll take ketchup and mustard on mine, Clarice.

Please send me a question at Evkid14@aim.com.

Please support me by clicking at least once on the advertisement links at the top of this page. It makes me money, and you may find something interesting there!

Evan Adresses His Lack of "Activity" over the past week.

2009-03-23T16:33:00.006-04:00

Lots of complaints sent my way about the lack of blogging on my part the past two weeks. Allow me to send the complaints right back your way, my friends. This blog thrives on your questions. Sure, every now and then I'll write a blog about something that has randomly entered my mind, or is a big news story. But quite frankly, it is easiest when questions are sent. It's not like you really have to rack your brain thinking of questions. Look around the room. Is there a notebook sitting there? Ask me if I like one subject or three subject notebooks. (The answer to that would be one subject, because they are less expensive. Also, multiple subject notebooks are far too cluttered. I do enough cluttering on my own, thank you.)

The point is, the questions do not have to be perfect. Sure, creative ones are fun. But I'll be the creative one, just throw me a bone.

Also, please support me as much as possible by telling people about the blog. Word of mouth is a lot stronger than you might think. It's the only advertisement I get. Maybe you could put a link to it on your Facebook status, on anywhere on a public page. Hook me up, EVbloggers.

Before I get to the questions, I'd like to announce my sadness at the retirement of a fellow blogger, Curt Schilling. Number 38 did a lot for my life in just a few short years in Boston. I give much of the credit for the '04 Red Sox World Series win to Schilling. Remember the bloody sock? I always will. And I hope Curt Schilling is successful in all of his future endeavors, provided he never comes out of retirement to sign with the Yanks. You can read his official statement here.

Here is the only question I got this week:

Q: Evan,
I never saw you as the slacker type, so you must have a lot going on in your
life right now to have not written a blog in over a week! I get so disappointed
when I do my daily check and see no change...
Despite the fact that you have not yet answered my last question, I am going to
give you another one anyway.
What was your favorite movie, back when your name was Elmo? (or was it
Wolverine? no matter... When you were a little kid) And is it still your
favorite now that you are an adult? (Or close to an adult...)
-Ms. Secrets

A: Again with the hate. At least you asked a question, so your not just bitching without trying to provide a solution.

My favorite movie when my name was Elmo was the Muppet Christmas Movie. My favorite movie when my name was Wolverine was the Power Rangers Movie. I haven't seen either of these movies in quite some time, but I would like to. See if they measure up to the stains of time. I have a feeling the Power Rangers one will. I like myself some Ivan Ooze.

Please send me a question at Evkid14@aim.com.

Evan Discusses Cookies and Children

2009-03-17T23:06:00.006-04:00

Q: So I have a question for you obviously!
What's your favorite cookie? At the moment, I am in love with the Stop & Shop cookies, straight-up chocolate chip deliciousness!
Let's chat soon!
cyd

A: If we're going with just cookies made in stores, I dig Shaw's sugar cookies. Not the ones with the ridiculous colored sugar on top of them, just straight up sugar and dough, son.

Back in the day, my Nana used to make some sweet mollasses cookies. They were my absolute favorite, but one day Nana decided to stop making me cookies and instead show me her love by telling me that I've gained weight.

Currently, my favorite cookie is Katie's Chocolate Chip less cookies. I've always said that the worst part of the chocolate chip cookie was chocolate chips themselves. When I asked Katie why her cookies were so great, she said that they were "chewy, and delicious, and I'm the awesome person who created them. Pikachu." I asked Carriage Paul why her cookies were so good and he said, "I just get the carts."

Quick C-Paul updated: Apparently Paul has not died, but is actually in an elderly home. More updates to come.

Q: Oh Evan,
That response to my cloning question was not nearly as witty as I thought it
would be. Not your best work, I have to say...
As for 5 days not being "quite a bit of time," it's all relative. Everyone
perceives time differently.
And hardy-har-har with the Sonic.
Anyway, a question.
How many kids, if any, do you want to have? Boys? Girls? Do you have names
picked out? I'm just curious, and I couldn't think of anything better to ask.
-Ms. Secrets

A: I'm for however many children God blesses me with. Katie wants five. If there were 5 of them, I'd want three boys and two girls, in boy-girl-boy-girl-boy order. That way, there'd always be one older and one younger boy to watch over the girls.

Katie wants to name one boy Edward after her favorite Twilight character. I'm okay with this, but I will tell people he's named after Eddie Winslow. I can give him a flat top and dress him in early 90's clothes.

She also wants to name one after Sawyer on LOST, which is okay by me, because then he can be a trash talking, beer swilling redneck.

Evan Dicusses Road Trips, Spider-Man, and Scary Man (fighter of the nice man)

2009-03-10T22:04:00.003-04:00

Q: To set the record straight, by "recently picked up the bagpipes," you must mean have I been playing them since I was 9. As far as giving a woman over four hunderd pounds a shove when she asks for a glove, it may be a little bit.
I also am really psyched for the high holiday (St. Patty's) because Savannah is the second biggest in the usa and I have to compare this event to the bastards on parade at home.

And on the subject of the Brian Quinlan jig, once i have successfully crafted my own Mead, Hard cider, beer and moon shine I will make a jig to tell the tales of my exploits

Now on to the question: how do you feel about road trips?
-Brian Quinlan

A: I have never personally been on a road trip. However, I've always wanted to take one. Perhaps a road trip to Savannah, Georgia would do the trick. Maybe pay a visit to my good friend Quinny?

Q:
Hello once again "Evdog,"
I will continue to say this no matter how many times I have to. That person
posting questions on your blog as "Mr. Secrets" is NOT MY FATHER!
Here's a question for you: How do you know that "Secrets" is even my real last
name?! For someone to try and say that a "Mr. Secrets" would be my father
is just silly!
And how do you clone someone when you don't even know who they are?!
I am glad you answered the question I asked you the other day. These are rather
rhetorical in nature, but I am sure you'll write some witty response despite that
fact.
-Ms.Secrets

A: The truest answer is that I have no idea who you are because you hide behind the mask of Ms. Secrets. What are you hiding behind that mask? BRING ME PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN! Obviously, I assume that your last name is not really Secrets as you claim it is. (Your so very secretive. Are you a decepticon?) But I can only assume that if a man uses the same last name as your moniker, and he claims to be your father, he must be your father. I just don't see any other possibilities here.

Seriously though, I told him to knock it off, but he showed me a legally (I assume) binding contract from Eden High School that says he is your Dad. My hands are tied.

I would clone you using 3 simple steps:
Step One: Clone you.
Steps Two and Three: Drink beer.

And you say I wouldn't be able to clone you because I don't know who you are, but don't be so quick to assume I don't already know exactly who you are. And even if I didn't, I would assemble the gang from "Leverage," and not only would we find you, we'd drop some serious leverage on your ass.

Q: Evan,
Quite a bit of time has passed since I last emailed you, and you still have not posted my question as to how you would clone me (although that was really more sarcastic). Now my yelling at "Mr. Secrets" will just seem silly with all the time that has passed.
I do wish you would start writing back to back blogs as you had been. It is such a disappointment to check and see no activity...
So here is a question to help you along.
Please describe, in great detail, the scariest person you have ever seen. I want to feel like I am looking at a photograph of them. Lets see if you can handle a description of that magnitude.
-Ms. Secrets

A: I wouldn't exactly call five days "quite a bit of time." I have a mid-term this week, so since I can't blow off studying, I had to choose between writing blogs and playing video games. Since video games is a great stress relief, and writing blogs only adds to my stress (although I enjoy writing them, it is work, and sometimes requires thorough research, like this Family Matters blog) Anyway, don't expect too many blogs this week. Be prepared for an onslaught next week though, as I have Spring Break.

When you asked who the scariest person I've ever seen is, I immediately thought of a guy I once saw on the train. It was straight out of a horror movie. It was on the red line some time in December, on my way home from Ryan McCue's one night. Because I was looking down, the first thing I noticed about him were his massive feet. Looking up, I saw that his hands were gloved. I assumed from this that he had probably gotten away with several muders. He had dyed his hair blue, and spiked it, but not in a cool, hip way, but a scary, madman way. Now that I was paying attention to him, I saw that he was talking to the man next to him, a shorter man who would crack his knuckles menacingly every few minutes or so. The shorter man was whispering something to scary guy, like, "We need to get rid of the Doctor if this whole thing is going to work." At this point I started to panic. I mean, what if they knew that I had heard them? Fortunately, the train came to a stop and, seeing that they weren't getting off, I scampered my way to saftey. Hey, maybe I'm a coward, and maybe I should have called the police, but I'm not the kind of guy who gets involved in that sort of thing.

I'm kind of mad at you for bringing this up. I had almost forgotten his face. Those intense, bulging green eyes. It's like death staring you in the face. Looking back, I can see him as clearly as if he were staring in front of me.

I hope that I was able to provide a detailed enough description for you, Ms. Secrets. If not, I found a mugshot of him, that you can look at here. His name is Scott Walkering.

Why Evan is Excited About the New Bruins Players

2009-03-06T15:50:00.002-05:00

On Wednesday, which was the trading deadline for all NHL teams, the Bruins acquired forward Mark Rechhi (along with a second round pick in 2010, from Tampa Bay for Matt Lashoff and Matins Karsums) and defenseman Steve Montador. (from Anaheim for Petteri Nokelainen)

I'm a big fan of both of these moves, as they adress big things that the Bs will need down the road, especially if they want to win the Stanley Cup in June. (Billboards around Boston indicate that they do, at least as much as I want them to win it)

If you're a fan of the NHL, you know the 41 year-old Recchi pretty well. He has been in the NHL since 1988, notching 535 goals and 1,426 points over that span. He is a 7 time all-star.

But none of these stats describes what Recchi brings to this team. What's really important are these stats: Recchi has won two Stanley Cups, played in 140 playoff games, and has 117 career playoff goals.

This is something the Bruins have needed this season: a forward with solid playoff experience. The B's have a relatively young team, (the average age of the players is about 29 years old) so they need an experienced player who can lead them into the playoffs. It doesn't hurt that Recchi can still put the puck in the net at this late stage of his career. he's put up 45 points in 63 games this season, including 13 goals.

Montador is a much less known player. He comes into Boston with the goal of igniting some much needed passion and agressiveness into the Bruins' defensive core. How aggressive is Montador? He is ranked 15th in the league in penalty minutes, with 125 in only 66 games. No one else on the Bruins even cracks the 120 PIM (penalty minutes) mark. You might say that penalties aren't exactly the greatest things to be taking. I say that it is a good thing to have a player on your team who can strike fear into your opponent. Our Bruins now have two, with Montador on one end in the defensive zone, and Milan Lucic on the other end in the attacking zone. Plus, the Bruins are a team who can handle penalties. They are tied for 7th in the league in penalty killing, with an 82.8% success ratio.

(A side note about Lucic: it is incredible how much fear Milan strikes into his opponents. When a puck is dumped into a corner on his end of the ice, opponents will let him have the puck rather than risk getting hit by him. I've never seen such a thing in the NHL before. It's incredible.)

With these two players now in tow, it's time for the Bruins to make a serious push towards Lord Stanley's Cup. Anything worse than survival through two rounds is unacceptable.

Thirsty Thursdays, week two

2009-03-05T21:34:00.003-05:00

Before we get to Muddy Water's "Thirsty Thursdays", I would just like to add that although last week I edited his typing so that everyone could understand it, this week and forever more I will not, because it's funnier that way. As Pipe Paul would say, ENJOY!!!!!!!!

for starters evan let me ask you are we all meade up of math? this one goes out to my drinking I?M buddy tonight Tom. i also have to ask you some more quessdtions liek why do you keep say that you h.ate the pinl hats maybe its a stylish way to present themsleves beofre the stuibdent body. i love the way the pinlk hats look when they are in a crowd i like the way the look wehn i cant see them but when i see them i like the way they look. can you tell me the differnece between drunk and hammered because i am sophisticately hammered and there is niothing about that that oyu know how to change. call me old fashioned but is it time to call the penny what it is: the greatest thing ever!. i wont mention any names but tom knows whats up. mea nd him talked alot of stuff earlier and now we are taliking about heart beatrs to quote tom "i mean love my life so hard but death will be peace embodied" thats deep man. i dont know fully what it means but its deep, SO DEEP. my last question is why wont the cast of boy meets world just man up and make a new halloween episode for all of us to love again? will i ever love again? here is a stupid web site: http://pages.emerson.edu/Courses/fall06/JR200/Padraig_Shea/index_000.html
-Muddy Water

I believe we are actually made up of muscle, tissue, and organs, not math. Call me crazy, but we don't need math right now. We need heart. Miles and miles of it.

You've heard of the expression love of your life, right? I believe that I understand the level of love and commitment to love that calling someone the love of your life entails. That being said, let me answer your question about my hatred of pink hats this way: Pink Hats are the Hate of my Life. As much as I love Katie, which is quite alot, my hatred for Pink Hats matches that feeling in the complete other direction. Pink Hats are my anti-soul mate. To quote Percival Ulysses Cox, "I mega-loathe" Pink Hats. As for why I hate them, you can click on this link, which will explain everything.

The difference between drunk and hammered is last week's post (SEEN HERE) and this week's post.

As for your last question, why do you need a new BMW Halloween Episode? They made like eight of them, two of them being outstanding. They did what these days seems impossible; they ended the show in outstanding fashion, before they became irrelevant.

Silly me, I took you at your word that that was your final question. You will never love again until you learn to love yourself. Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.

^Jerry Springer reference.

Shawn "Randy" Donvan, this message is for you. This wiffleball league is out-technologying us. We need a website. The headline of the page can be our motto...

In order to win, you need to come to the field."
-Robbie

(I apologize to everyone who didn't get that joke. It is an inside joke, only about four people will get it, and only two will understand it fully.)

Tom sounds like a smart guy. He invented Myspace, right?

Evan discusses everyday kilt use, snow days, and a grudge match between Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin

2009-03-03T22:18:00.005-05:00

Q: I found and purchased online a utility kilt. This is a kilt made for the sole purpose of everyday use. I was wondering, do you condone the use of kilts on an everyday basis? Any other thoughts on the subject?
here is the site //www.utilikilts.com/

-Brian Quinlan

A: I'm perfectly fine with the use of kilts on an everyday basis, as long as you wear underwear underneath. What you wear is your choice, I just don't want to see your kibbles and bits.

Unless I am mistaken, you have recently taken up the bagpipes. How long before you knock up a 500 pound woman and your band makes a song called "The Brian Quinlan Jig?" I dig how Irish you're getting, Brian. You even sent me a question regarding St. Patty's Day that I will answer in my next blog. Good stuff.

Q: Hello Evan,
Good to see that this latest blog had nothing to do with me. I sometimes get tired of reading about myself.
I was wondering who your favorite Sesame Street character is? I believe that this question says a lot about a person, as who you gravitated towards as a child help to shape the adult you become. (If you did not watch Sesame Street then I am sorry for you.)
-Ms. Secrets

A: This may seem a bit cliche, but I'm definitely an Elmo guy. I actually used to tell people that my name was Elmo as a child. This was a lie. My name was Wolverine.

Elmo is probably the most popular of all the Sesame Street characters. Big Bird has nothing on him. Elmo was even on Scrubs recently. He is seen hitting on a blonde girl, proving that he has the most game of all the Sesame characters as well.

Q: EVAN!
I had a snow day today! And it was awesome!
Do you like snow days? If so, do you like them as much now as you did when you were little? (Because I sure do!)
Hope to see you soon! Come visit Ryan!
[cyd]

A: I love snow days even more than I did when I was a kid. Why? Because I no longer have to make up the time at the end of the year, like it happens so much in High School. Also, there's way more to do on a snow day now. I have a car, so if the roads aren't too dangerous, I can basically do whatever I want. If not, at least I have XBOX. I wasn't allowed video games as a kid.

I hope to visit Ryan ASAP, but I've been very busy, much busier than I've ever been, in fact. And writing a blog every few days just adds to the busy. But I would guess that you will see me within a month.

Q: I work with your brother Ryan at the rink and he recommended that I take a look at your blog. After reading it and seeing that I can value your opinion, who do you think would win in a fight: Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin or Mick "Crocodile" Dundee (all sting rays barred)?
-Hatch

A: Crocodile Dundee in a "squash" match. The man is as clever as he is lethal. I once saw him trick a man into killing his own partner, then he killed that man himself moments later. The man is a warrior.

Steve Irwin, however, is a huge wuss. My brother, cousins and I once spent a Christmas Eve watching a "Crocodile Hunter" marathon. Towards the end of the marathon, we found ourselves watching this clip, in which Irwin cried for 40 plus seconds about the death of a Crocodile. Now, it's all well and good to be an emotional guy, but it doesn't help you beat Crocodile Dundee.

I'd also like to point out that for a man who calls himself the "Crocodile Hunter," he doesn't hunt many crocodiles, does he?

For these reasons, the nod has to go to Dundee.

Also, Steve Irwin is dead.

You can E-Mail me questions at Evkid14@aim.com.

Don't forget to support my blog by clicking on one of the ADs at the top of the page.

Evan has never lied about anything.

2009-03-02T20:25:00.007-05:00

Q: Hey Evan,
I just want to apologize for my daughter in your last blog. I sent her to her room. No dinner for a week. Also, I would like to ask a question. I'm a fan of World Records, what is your favorite/most impressive world record you have seen/ heard of.

-Mr. Secrets

A: Joe Chestnut's world record 59 hot dogs and buns in one twelve minute sitting. The craziest thing about this is that his prize was a year's supply of hot dogs. (along with a free trip to New York and a $250 gift certificate to the mall) Why would you want to have a year's worth of hot dogs after eating 59 hot dogs? Poor guy.

Q: Dear Evan,
What is your favorite Adult Swim show and why? Mine is Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

-Hope

A: I suppose you wouldn't count Family Guy, as it originally airs on the Fox network. In that case, I have to go with Robot Chicken. Seth Green is a genius. It's such a smart idea to make fifteen minute episodes. If you think about it, most shows that are a half an hour have about 15 minutes of funny material. This way, basically all of the show is entertaining. But don't just take my word for it...(god I love Lavar Burton references) here's a clipthat I think you'll find "mighty" entertaining.

Q: Hey Evan

I'm having trouble figuring out how cloning actually works. For example: if I were to clone Ms. Secrets, would it be her twin? Or would it have to start as a single cell and age just as she did? I'm pretty sure it would be her twin. I guess it's just one of those life mysteries that we'll never solve, like how a carborator works.

-Ryan McCue

A: Ever seen Austin Powers? Remember when Dr. Evil got his Mini-Me? That is EXACTLY how cloning works. Your clone is just a miniature version of yourself. This is a scientific fact. The is 100 percent accurate, don't even bother fact checking. Just have faith in your good buddy Evdog. I would never lie to you. Seriously. That's how it works.

Q: Dear Evan,
Four questions:
1. Did Willy Mo Pena get traded cuz he was stealing Terry Francona's Dubble Bubble?
2. Who was better, Cla Merideth or Craig Grebeck?
3. Did you have "loose stools" the time you shit on the bathroom stool and tried to blame it on me?
4. How effective is the dopplerganger, and what is this "Klystron 9" storm tracker that they are using down in Tampa?

Your favorite brother,
Ryan

A: 1. There was also the fact that he struck out 90 times in 84 games in '06. But mostly the Dubble Bubble thing.
2. An excerpt from the soon to be released "A Day in the Life of Craig Grebeck":
8:00 AM: Craig asks his flight stewardess if she's ever heard of Cla Merideth. When she answers no, Craig asks her if she's ever heard of the double play.
What did Craig mean by this? He wanted you to know, Ryan, that while Cla Meredith has never really accomplished much in Major League Baseball, Grebeck was indeed the master of the art that is the double play. Grebeck has officially been recorded as turning 874,387,348 double plays. Look it up on Grebeck's Completely Accurate Stats Page. That's Hall of Fame numbers if I've ever seen them.
3. What do you mean, "tried" to blame it on you. I'm pretty sure I succeeded in pointing the finger What's more embarassing, a three year old boy pooping on a stool, or that the parents of that three year old beleived him when he said that his nine year old brother was the culprit? Mom and Dad must've thought that you were a real bright kid.
4. If not for the dopplerganger, how would we know if it was snowing outside? By looking out the window? I DON'T THINK SO!

As for the "Klystron 9," that is a robot that makes ice cream cones. No one in Florida actually predicts the weather, they just wing it. "Today is going to be warm and sunny, with a chance of rain." With that predictable of weather, I would also rather spend the money on an ice cream cone machine than doppler radar.

You can E-Mail me questions at Evkid14@aim.com.

Make sure you click on one of the advertised links at least once a visit to my blog.

Thirsty Thursdays, week one

2009-02-26T21:35:00.004-05:00

A week ago, I struck blog gold when I convinced my friend to get drunk once a week and E-Mail me some questions. Thus, every Thursday, we will have Thirsty Thursdays with Muddy Water. (His name is being withheld so companies won't refuse to hire him for being a drunk or some silliness like that. If you somehow figure out his identity, do not E-Mail me and tell me who you think he is, I will not justify this with a response via blog or via return E-Mail)

Here is the first edition:

Hey Evan, its Muddy Water with your Thirsy Thursday questions of the week. First I would like to ask all the ladies out there to be single and put their hands up. My next question is what ever happened to George's Island? I liked that place but it seems to be kinda unheard of now. Anyways, I met this kid James tonight and he got so wasted that he puked outside twice and that made me recall the time I puked like a boom shaka lakka when we had the party for Ryan McCue's cousin Matt. Hweeeeehhhh. Next question why don't you write about me more on this blog I can't stand hearing about other people I am way more cool. Do it, I watched the movie Beerfest earlier because kieth wanted too (again) (we get it, you drink beer) and I thought that america was awsome what do you think Evan? And yes I am agreeing with that. God I want a beer bye!

Ladies, dump your man IMMEDIATELY! Now put your hands up. Got them up? Good. Take your pick, Muddy Water.

As far as I know, George's Island is still there, and it will probably remain there until John Locke pushes a donkey wheel and it vanishes.

To be fair, I didn't see you puke that night, but if I had, I would have been able to see if it was more boom shakka lakka or boom goes the dynamite.

I obviously am going to be writing about you a lot more, Mudd. You do deserve it though, you're a funny guy.

I don't think it can ever be stressed enough how much Keith likes beer. Is there a word stronger than love? Keith SuperLoves beer. As far as the American team goes, they were quite the comedy duo. I especially loved Landfill. If you've never seen Beerfest, I suggest you do so immediately. The best part is the cameo by James Roday, a man's who's hair trancends time. He also reguarly gives us comedy gold like this clip. Enjoy.

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Ms. Secrets responds to an E-Mail from a previous blog. Evan responds to that. Also, Evan makes as many Hope jokes as he can in a 5 minute span.

2009-02-25T01:04:00.003-05:00

I did not intend to write a blog today, but because I received the following E-Mail, I obviously had to change those plans:

Dear Evan,
Seems as though you have a boost in readers, as you have published two back to back blogs! Congratulations! However, I am quite offended by much of what is being written about me!
To start, this "Miss Secrets" is a complete and total joke! Clearly, it must be one of your friends attempting to mock me, and not a very smart one at that! While you were clever enough to answer his/her question on Myspace EXACTLY as you answered my question on Facebook, they were not clever enough to word their question the same way as mine; one should not bother to attempt in mocking me if they are not willing to take the time to do so correctly!
Second, you have never had the Secret Hamburger with the Secret Sauce made my by father. Perhaps, you had the "Secret Hamburger with Secret Sauce" made for you by that imposter who posed as my father in an earlier blog!
Next, I am not in the Witness Protection Program. I repeat, that man who emailed you is not my father! As I said before, I talk to my father on a regular basis, and while you may think you're "world wide" that world of your's does not extend to my family home in...
Lastly, this Ryan McCue character is the most offensive! How dare he accuse me of being a raving lunatic when he does not even know me! I have never made false accusations towards him, so to start a rumor about me being a lunatic is absolutly maddening! (I am sure you are wondering how I know it was this Ryan McCue that wrote that question, as you did not put his name at the bottom? I deduced it must have been him as he asked you a series of questions in a previous blog using the same format; that question was signed. You may then ask why I would not accuse a one Brian Quinlan as he also used letters in his question? The answer being that his questions were all realted [you talking to your toaster] and there were no spaces in between.)
Your friends are not quite as clever as you, but I am sure that you knew that already!

Now for my question:
What was the best gift you ever recieved? What made this gift so great? (the age you were when you recieved the gift? the person who gave it to you?)
-Ms. Secrets

A: I deduced that you must have felt strongly about this, because you used twelve exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, I would like to apologize to Ryan McCue. I did not intentionally leave your name off of the bottom of your post yesterday. In the future, perhaps you could sign you own name at the bottom, so I won't forget to do so. (Even though I know your E-Mail by heart, I pretty much know everyone else's too, and they all sign their names anyway. Bring your A game!)

I will congratulate you, Ms. Secrets, for figuring out it was him anyway. That's the type of sleuthing I normally only expect to find in the "Carmen Sandiego" series. However, Ryan is not as trained in espionage as you are.

But I suppose no one wants me to ramble on about Ms. Secrets' problems. I should answer her question.

I'm not necessarily a guy who gets something and thinks to myself, "Hey, Evan, remember this gift, because it is your favorite of all time!" If I had to choose, it would have to be the second cruise that my parents took me on. Cruises can kick ass if it is the right situation. If you don't go with a friend or a spouse, you have to meet friends the first day. If you do not, you will not have friends that week. Thus, you will likely not have any fun on that cruise.

That particular cruise that I chose was on the Princess Cruise Lines, and I made like 12 friends the first day. Coincidentally, they were all from Boston. Also coincidentally, it was the weekend of a Red Sox/Yankees series. So there was a game to watch every night at the sports bar, and then we'd do something else after. Good times. Also, I met a woman at the sports bar that kinda hooked me up with her daughter, so I had a girlie to chase after. (Unsuccessfully, of course)

Q: Should onside kicks be allowed in gym class football?
-Bryan Hoban

A: What is the point of gym class football if not to show the other team that you can score 85 points on them in a 45 minute stretch? If I'm 2005 Blue Hills Athletic Director Paul Torney, I'm telling Team Mexico to show all of the other scrubs out there what's what.

While I'm on the subject of Blue Hills/Torney, I would like to say that I was shocked to read in this article that Mr. Torney had retired from his post as Athletic Director. This is a tremendous loss for our old school, as there is no better person than Paul Torney. Just a great guy.

I would also like to briefly address the "Notable Facts" on the right side of this page, in particular this fact: "Proficiency in English on the MCAS in 2006 rose 14 percent from 2005; math scores rose 5 percent." Whoa, there guy. Hold on just a minute here. Why throw our year under the bus? Sure, the class of '05 didn't take the MCAS that year, but my first impression when looking at that is that the class of '05 really fucked up, when really it was the class of '07! I kicked the MCAS' ass, and remember fondly playing Gameboy with Bryan Hoban (who just asked the last question, keep up!) because we were smarter and/or faster than everyone else and had a Homeroom teacher that was more focused on saying, "KAAAAYAYYY. SERIOUS BUSINESS TO-DAY!" than stopping the Gameboy action. Furthermore, my English scores on the MCAS kicked ass.

Keep asking questions, Bryan. Just send them in E-Mail next time. Evkid14@aim.com

Q: Dear Evan,
In light of the recent influx of Hope-related puns, I thought I'd ask you this: how many 'hope' jokes can you think of right now? I realize most of the joy in making these jokes comes from situational humor, but take a stab at it. "Hope springs eternal" can't be on there cause you already said it.

-Hope

A: Here's what I'm going to do. I am going to try and make as many Hope related puns as I can in a 5 minute span. I will not use "I hope" jokes, because that would be far too easy. I "hope" I'm up to the task. Ready? Go.

1. My favorite comedian is Bob Hope.
2. My favorite movie is Star Wars: A New Hope.
3. I'd say that I wouldn't make any more puns about your name, but I don't want to give you false hope.
4. Do you like that new song "Hope" by Jack Johnson?
5. Sandra Bullock was great in Hope Floats.

(Yes, I used Google for the last two. It was hard!)

That was much harder then I expected. I thought I'd get like Thirty. I hope I do better next time.

You can send me questions via E-Mail at Evkid14@aim.com

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Evan discusses Kevin Bacon, Capn' Crunch, The Witness Protection Program, and more...

2009-02-23T23:37:00.007-05:00

Q: 1) How do you feel about the Witness Protection Program? And do you believe any of your readers are in it?

2) Also, if you had Nickelodeon as a kid, would you have watched the awesomness that was legends of the Hidden Temple? Explain.

-Love your charming girlfriend Katie

A: I feel that the Witness Protection Program is an essential division of our United States government.

Yes, I absolutely believe that Ms. Secrets is currently enrolled in the Witness Protection Program. Let's look at the facts:

A) She has been clouded in secrecy since day one. She never reveals anything about herself, and her questions are all unique enough that we can't even be sure what her personality is like.

B) Her father has no idea where she is. A few weeks ago, I received an email from a man named "Mr. Secrets," asking if I had seen his daughter. Ms. Secrets denied that this was her father, claiming that she spoke often with her real father and that he had never even heard of this blog. (Which of course, is impossible. I'm worldwide, son!) However, if Ms. Secrets was in the Witness Protection Program, wouldn't she deny having a father at all? It is in her best interest for this program to keep any details about her life a complete secret.

2) No, I would not have watched that show, or even that network. I would have watched the Disney Channel. Even Stevens, Boy Meets World, Recess, Doug...the list goes on. Truth be told, when I've been among friends, and this show has come on, I haven't been that interested. I also did not enjoy Are You Afraid of the Dark. (And was actually annoyed at how long that show's title name was to type out)

None of this means that I didn't apprecaite you're question, Katie. I was going to thank you in a really special way, but I'll just let this wonderful man do it for me: (skip ahead to the 19 second mark of this clip)

Q: Alrighty Ev,
Question time! I promised I would ask three, so here they are!
1) Are you a doggy person or a kitty person? I like kitties.
2) What is your favorite Cap'N Crunch? Original all the way. I had someone tell me it was butter flavor...
3) How was your drive back? I HOPE it went well. (little shout-out to my roomie)
-cyd

A: 1) I'm a doggy person. I'm allergic to cats, so that right there kinda ruins the feline spectrum of things for me. If it's any consolation, Carriage Paul loved kitties, and he was the greatest man to ever live.

Quick Carriage Paul note: Many of us have speculated that Paul was dead. Still others speculated that he just doesn't leave the house anymore. (Which I think is proposterous. If there are carts to be retreived, Paul's not just gonna sit at home) My new theory regarding C-Paul's dissapearance is that the aliens finally got tired of Paul telling us their secrets, and abducted him. What do you think happened? Feel free to use the comments section below as a forum. You'll make Muddy Water a happy man. Who's Muddy Water? Find out on Thursday!)

2) The best Capn' Crunch is easily "Oops, All Berries." You don't get those awful tasting yellow things, just berry goodness. I'm not sure they make this brand anymore, my mom stopped buying it.

3) The drive back from Ryan's appartment last night was just fine. The only problem was that once we got back to my house, Katie decided she couldn't drive her car from my house to hers, so I had to drive her car to her house, and then drive it back to mine, which left me mighty tired and unable to answer all of the questions in my folder.

I HOPE that you enjoyed my answers to your questions.

Q: Got some questions for ya Evan:

a) How many licks does it take til you get to the center of a school bus?

b) Do you know the number to zack's pizza off the top of your head?(781 331 6081)

c) Unt?

d) how do you get your hair that fly?

e) What is the biggest boner you have ever sucked?

f) Barrack Obama or Terry Francona in a street fight?

g) If you were to expand the MLB what city would you go to?

h) If you were to contract the MLB what team would you disolve?

i) Any favorites for MVP of the MLS next year?

j) Favorite person whos name begins with j?

k) Oh I wonder wonder wonder who wrote the book of love?

l) If you could bring small paul home with you, what household chore would you most enjoy telling your friends he wasnt good at but was cute trying to do his best?

m) Kadolfo?

n) if you could meet one secretary of energy passed or present who would it be?

o) Boxers or briefs?

p) Do you know the muffin man? cause it should be quinny.

q) Do you hate q as much as me?

r) Ms. Secrets is a raving lunatic. right?

s) If you could tackle one baby,(big taboo in this society) which baby, past or present, would it be?

t) rank these managers from best to worst dancer
1. Bill Early
2. Kieran Ridge
3. Paul McClellan(sp?)
4. Peggy Hogan
5. Mike "Big Time" Malloy

u) Given the chance to kill Hitler, would you?

v) Can i be your Jack-o?

w) What is your favorite chinese food? If none, explain that you're allergic.

x) Kevin Bacon or cooking Bacon? you only get one.

y) would you rather be deaf or have to listen to "The 7 things i hate about you" for the rest of your life?

z) what was your favorite question out of these ones?

A:

A) I don't know, let's ask Mr. Owl.

Mr Owl: "Let's find out. One, two...oh my god, this tastes like dirty metal! Why would I even do this? Why didn't we pay someone else to do it? I feel like such a fool!"
The world may never know....

B) Yes, it's 781 331 6081. No, I did not copy and paste. I don't know if this happens to you, Ryan, but I just say "Hi, can I get (insert order here)" and then they just say, "Okay, Evan, it'll be done in 5 minutes."

How do they know it's me? Do they know my order by heart, does my phone number come up on caller ID, or do they know my voice? Maybe a combination of all of them?

C) Ute.

D) I use hair paste, and LA Looks Gel. For this particular haircut, Meghan Walsh did the cutting. She did a fantastic job. My hair has been even more notches above everyone elses since she cut it.

E) Why are you being so vulgar? I hope my Mom reads this and tells Maryanne or Jeff McCue what you've been saying. Of course, Jeff would probably just tell her that "boner" was code for "rum and coke." If that were the case, the answer would be the Boner at Warren's Place.

F) Is this even a question? BaRock wins using the People's Elbow. Then he steals Tito's Dubble Bubble.

G) If I were to expand the MLB, I would make it global. 30 teams in North America, 30 teams in Asia. (Korea and Japan) Schedules remain the same, with Interleague Play being replaced by InterContinental Play. Change the name of our current World Series to the North America Series. Asia has an Asian Series (which I just love the sound of by the way), and then the winners of the two leagues face off in the aptly named World Series. We could have baseball until December!

H) I'd remove the Kansas City Royals. Their city sucks, and their team sucks. I hate their stupid Uniforms too. The only player on their team I can even remember off the top of my head is Coco Crisp, and that is because my team traded him there. No need for the Royals.

I) Mia Hamm?

J) Jack Bauer.

K) Mia Hamm?

L) Cleaning my house. He would probably get tired of it halfway through, and start telling my family to start living at another house.

M) "I'm a Franchise, six a day, no."

N)

O) Boxers. More breathing room.

P) Quinny is definiely the muffin man. He is the only one to send me a blog muffin.

Q) Probably not.

R) I don't know. No one knows who she is.

S) Miss Piggy on the Muppet Babies. She has always been the most annoying muppet.

T)
1. Kieran Ridge-this guy can do it all. Slow Dance, Fast Dance, the akward dance from the corner of the room to the bar and back again.
2. Bill Early-does a mean jump during "Shout." Felt like I was in Wedding Crashers.
3. Tie: Mike "Big Time" Malloy/Peggy Hogan-I don't know why. They just feel equal.
4. Paul McClellan (sp?)-Hard to dance when everyone is smacking your ass.

U) If Tom Cruise can't do it, nobody can. By the way, the best ending to that movie would have been Cruise killing Hitler, but then being told by a ghost that Hitler needed to be born or Cruise wouldn't be born, so then Cruise uses scientology to bring him back to life. I'd watch that.

V) Sure. Can I be your Corona and Lime?

W) None, I'm allergic.

X) Kevin Bacon. Look, I like bacon as much as the next guy, but I shudder to think what would have happened if Tremors 3 had never been made.

Y) I'd rather be deaf. That song is an abomination. Miley is good eye candy, but her music is awful, her voice is awful, and the best thing about her is that her Dad is Billy Ray Cyrus.

Z) The question about my hair. There can never be enough questions about my hair.

That was fun.

You can send me questions via E-Mail at Evkid14@aim.com

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Sooo tired

2009-02-23T02:54:00.004-05:00

After driving home from Ryan's place in Boston to my house in Weymouth, Katie decided she was too tired to drive home. Now, after driving to Abington and back, I am far too tired to do a huge blog.

But I will answer one question, and continue with more tommorrow. From one of my most widely discussed posters....

Q: Evan,
Please describe for the world the best meal you have ever had and why? (circumstances are everything, especially when it comes to food...)
-Ms. Secrets

A: This past Thanksgiving comes to mind. As usual, I ate at my parents' house (which is also where I currently live) and although all of my Mom's Thanksgiving main courses are equally great, this year's dessert was amazing. The most perfect Apple Pie ever made, hands down. The crust was the perfect crunch, the apples were just the right amount of sweet, and the cinnamon was cinnamon-y.

I would also like to mention a close second, a meal that always warms the cackles of my heart. I am talking of course (about man bear pig) about Mr. Secret's special Secret Hamburger, complete with the Secret Formula for the Secret Sauce. Secret enough for you?

And this just in...

Q: First time reader here, long time commenter. I am curious as to what you think about Myspace?

-Miss Secrets

A: My thought on Myspace is the same as my thought on Facebook: it used to be great, until it was overloaded with pointless shit. There are too many applications that use up too much space now. Most Applications are pointless (although I am fond of Bumperstickers) and I now get pointless requests from the same people every day about petting their dog or being a ninja or a pirate. This stuff is all lame.

There are some good things about Myspace, though. I enjoy comments and pictures and picture comments, and the relatively new notification bar was a great idea. I also enjoy commenting on statuses. These good things far outweigh the bad, so my answer is that Facebook is indeed good.

I would say that I put a moderate amount of work into my Myspace. Some just sign up and leave theirs blank. (They probably just sign up so they can stalk people.) Other people are signed on every few minutes, constantly adding pictures and constantly commenting on their friends' pages. I would put myself in the middle ground here. I sign on about three times a day, I almost never post pictures (to be fair, I don't own a digital camera) and I comment only when it strikes my fancy. I would say I go on a commenting spree every two days or so. Most days I just sign in, see if I have any notifications (I've mentioned this twice already, I should explain what it means: A little bar pops up telling you if you have a comment, if you have a picture comment, if someone else commented on something you commented on, ect.) or any friend requests. And then I sign out.

This might not be enough time for you, and that's okay. It become too much only when you are literally stalking people on Myspace or if you are neglecting responsibilities. Asking me how much is too much is probably not a good idea. If you asked my mother she would tell you I have no concept of time and waste quite a good deal of it. And she would be right. What I'm saying is, don't let facebook ruin your life. Because that WOULD BE too much.

Evan shares his top five Family Matters episodes

2009-02-18T23:58:00.003-05:00

Q: Please list your top five Family Matters episodes and explain why you picked those episodes.
-Ryan McCue

A: Here are my favorites, in descending order (with number 1 being my favorite):

Number Five: Driving Carl Crazy
Air Date: October 9, 1992.

This is the episode where Steve drives Carl so insane that Carl goes to see a therapist. Then Steve bugs him some more.

Why do I love this episode? Because it sparked a Donohue quote favorite. Carl's therapist suggests that Carl calm down by saying, "Three-two-one. One-two-three. What the heck is bothering me?" My brother Ryan and I tend to stay with one quote for a few months, (after one memorable Family Guy episode, we said "A-skip scop boobity bop, a coo coo ca choo!" like Bill Cosby every day for almost a year) and "Three-two-one. One-two-three. What the heck is bothering me?" was a favorite for at least 6 months.

Number Four: We're Going to Disney World (parts 1 and 2)
Air Dates: April 28, 1995 and May 5, 1995.

The first part of this episode is the one where Steve enters his transformation chamber in a science fair in Disney World. He transforms into Stefan Urkell, but before he can transform back, Laura pulls the plug, so that Stefan can stay. (which of course, is very bitchy of her, considering that Steve had a girlfriend, Myra, who was in love with Steve for who he truly was and was much hotter than Laura) Stefan ends up asking Laura to marry him. Myra, sensing something is wrong with Steve, decides to go to Florida to investigate as the show goes off the air.

In the episode's second part, Myra confronts Laura and Stefan about their engagement, saying that she loves Steve for who he truly was. Stefan also realizes that he loves himself more as Steve, so he calls off the engagement and transforms back into Steve.

I always enjoy when TV series film their shows in Disney World. I also enjoyed Step by Step's Disney episode, Full House's Disney episode, and Boy Meets World's Disney episode (coincidentally, I tried to get Katie to kiss me in front of the same fountain that Corey kisses Topanga in front of, but she said it wasn't the same one. It was.)

Number 3: Stevil
Air Date: October 25, 1996.

This, of course, is the episode where Steve's ventriloquist dummy pulls a "Chucky" and kills everyone in the house. Although it turns out to be a dream, this episode was quite scary for nine year old Evdog. And it's still pretty scary today.

I rank this episode second among my all time favroite Halloween episodes, right behind (could it be anything else?) the Boy Meets world rip off of Scream, guest starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, as Jennifer Love Fefferman. (or Feffy, for short)

Number 2: Paris Vacation (parts one, two, and three)
Air Dates: September 26, 1996 (parts 1 and 2) and September 27, 1996 (part three).

Steve develops his "Urkpad," which can teleport him from one place to another. He and Carl end up getting pursued by thugs who are trying to steal the Urkpad. Also, Stefan (in a previous episode, Steve clones himself, but when they both love Myra, Laura suggests one of them becomes Stefan permanently. This ultimately creates more work for Jaleel White, who by this point has carried the show on his back for seven seasons) takes a modeling job in paris.

I don't have any fun reason why I liked this episode. I've just seen it a million times and loved it every time.

and finally....

Number 1: Random Acts of Science
Air Date: February 2, 1996 (I guess I enjoyed the '96 season the most).

Carl has had enough with Steve's experiments, so he demands that Steve put all of his inventions into storage. While they are storing all of this stuff, a gang of robbers comes in to take all of it. Steve convinces them to let him and Carl use his Transformation Chamber to transform into Bruce Springsteen for their listening pleasure. When they come out, however, they don't look like Springsteen. (or Mr. Steen, as he has been called) "Did I say I Bwuce Spwingsteen?" Steve asks. "I meant Bwuce...Wee." And he and Carl, transformed into Bruce Lee, proceed to kick their candy asses all over the storage facility.

Whenever this episode is on, I will sit down and watch through all the "Laura wants a nose ring" crap until the Bruce Lee part comes on, no matter what I was doing before or where I need to be. Let's just hope that this episode does not air on my wedding day, or there will be one pissed off bride.

I scoured youtube for this clip, and you will not be disappointed. Skip ahead to the 2 minute mark.

There you have it. Suck on that, McCue.

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Evan discusses napping, who the most influential Foodmaster employee of all time is, and more

2009-02-16T17:08:00.006-05:00

Q: Evan,
How much do you love napping?!
I just took one and it was fabulous, so I'd like to know your thoughts =]
-Cyd

A: I love napping very much. The great thing about naps is that you can stay up all night watching Chuck on NBC.com, attend class in the morning, and then nap before work, and still feel fresh as a daisy. The worst part of napping is when you can't fall asleep, but you were counting on that nap to get you through the day. This is especially bad when you don't have enough pocket change to get a Red Bull.

Q: Evan, big fan of your blog, read it more than you know.
Some questions:

1) Who's the most influential Food Master employee ever?

2) What first, shampoo or conditioner?

3) Is it manly for a man to have an excessive amount of pubic hair?

Thanks Evan!
-Anonymous Croall

A: 1) The most influential Food Master employee ever is Small Paul. Remember when he would tell people to shop at other stores (which led to his eventual release from the franchise, if I recall correctly)? I believe that word spread, and that is why Food master is now undergoing a financial crisis.

Other people I considered:
Nick From Meat: I consider him the older brother of Food Master. He's wise beyond his years, yet his advice could lead you to contract an STD. Also, no matter what, he's got your back.
Kathy Sir Winkalot Winkerton: I just like writing that out.
Kevin Taylor: A legend in his time, he taught us to beast out the grocery load so that we could slack off for a bit. If slacking were still condoned, he would have been my answer.
Carriage Paul: Easily the most famous Food Master employee ever, his hard work and affection for extraterrestrials won us over.
Stephanie from Bakery: We all thought she was hot.

2) Shampoo goes on first, to clean. Then conditioner goes on, to make the hair silky and smooth. Or am I lying to you so that my hair will continue to be better than yours?

3) For such a critical manly question, I would be insane not to convey your question to my Consultant of Manliness, Gregory Steel Steele. His response:

"It might be more manly, but there is nothing wrong with having a silky smooth package, chicks dig it more."

I couldn't agree with Greg more. Consider the presidency. Bushes are a thing of the past, my man. Can we trim it? Yes we can! (that was a President Obama reference, not a Bob the Builder reference, although both are funny)

Q: If you could be one person other than yourself, just for one day, who would it be and why? (so your brain, but their body)
-Ms. Secrets

A: Paris Hilton. Think about all the confusion I could cause in just one day. Her body with my brain? I would say shit that would be smart and funny and people would be like, "Has she been sandbagging us this entire time?" It would cause an uproar like you wouldn't believe.

As for fictional characters, I would be Shawn Spencer. To have hair that good and have the improvisational skills like he does, that would be amazing. Or Jim from the Office so I could prank Dwight and then go home with Pam.

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You can E-Mail questions to me at Evkid14@aim.com

Evan shares his feelings on Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T15:17:00.005-05:00

Q: Dear Evan,
I am not missing, and that man who claims to be my father is a FRAUD!
I talk to my dad all the time, and since he does not even know about your blog, that is most definitely not him!
Moving on...a question...
What are your thoughts on Valentine's day? Do you like it? Think it's pointless? (try to leave out the fact that you have a someone special to spend it with!)
--Ms. Secrets

A: I was planning on doing a Valentine's Day blog anyway, so this E-Mail worked out great!

Leaving out that I have someone special to share it with is impossible and also foolish, as it lets me see things from both sides of the coin. Until I met Katie, my current girlfriend, I never once had a date on Valentine's Day. So all of my opinions on the relationship side (as opposed to the single side) of Valentine's Day stem from my last three Valentine's Days, which were spent with her.

Being single on Valentine's Day is brutal. It may be the loneliest day of the year for single people. I believe that it is even worse to be a single female on Valentine's Day, as it is really a holiday for girls anyway. (More on that later) When you're single, you're walking around all day, watching other people giving and receiving flowers and candy, holding hands, and all of that gooey, emotional shit. It's basically like the sun is shining on them, but not on you. It is very depressing.

Being in a relationship on Valentine's Day is a hell of a lot better. It's almost relieving for me, in a "Thank god I don't have to be as depressed as I used to be." No matter what, it is ALWAYS better to have someone on VL Day. (Victory in Love Day)

There are still some pratfalls here, though. Every year you are with that person, it becomes harder and harder to think of things to do. You obviously can't do what you did last year, and you also have to outdo yourself. For example, last year, I made Katie a scavenger hunt, and if I had to outdo myself this year, I would be so royally screwed I wouldn't even know what to do with myself.

Katie and I have found a way around this. Each year, one of us buys the other one a present, and the other one plans the evening plans and pays for dinner. Then we switch places the following year. It's really quite awesome. It also helps with the whole "I have to one-up what I did last year!!!" thing, because you're doing something completely different the following year.

Now, for your questions:

No, I do not like Valentine's Day. I' m not sure any male does. It's not because I'm not interested in love. Katie is the most special thing in my life, and I enjoy showing her how much she means to me. The thing is, Valentine's Day calls for romantics, and even though I try, I am just not a talented person by romantic standards.

I think the only people that do like Valentine's Day are girls that happen to be in relationships. That is who the day is really for, if you think about it. Valentine's Day is a day for boyfriends to dote on their girlfriends. For most guys, this day is about survival. It's either about surviving the depression of being alone,(which is why single ladies also hate this day) or it's about surviving the day without ruining the romance for your lady friend. I am told that some men are pretty talented at making their lady swoon on VL day. That's fine, but there is also a reason for it. They share a common trait with these ladies. A vagina.

That was a joke, but really, I am severely jealous of those gentleman who "got game." I have never been, nor will I ever be accused of being, "smooth." I consistently say the wrong things at the wrong times, I am a "moment" ruiner, and sometimes my jealousy will get me into hot water.

All this being said, although I do not like Valentine's Day, I do not think it is pointless. It is a day where guys like me can show their significant others that they care about them, by spending a lot of time planning what they will say and do. For me the key word to that is "say," because my mouth is what consistently gets me into trouble. Anyway, I think my girlfriend deserves at least two days a year (our anniversary and Valentine's Day) of socially mandated romance doted upon her by yours truly. I just hope this year I don't screw it up.

Evan Answers some more E-Mails

2009-02-13T15:26:00.005-05:00

Let's get into some E-Mails, shall we?

Q: Dear Evan,
Do you think that Miley Cyrus should accept an offer she got to be a spokesperson for a chain of condom ads? Also, if you could be any Power Ranger (Mighty Morphin' of course), who would you be? Last, but definitely not least, would it be possible for Tan Man to be any tanner (Not Danny or D.J.) without being black?
Yours Truly,
BeastlyDoyleMan

A: I actually assumed that you were making up the Miley/Condom story, but when I used my trusty sponsor, Google, to search "Miley condom," I actually found three or four sources dated between July 28th and 30th of 2008. How did I miss this?

I think it would be a terrible idea for her. She already got a ton of slack for sending provocative pictures to her boyfriend via cellular device. This would lead to Britney-like media coverage that would ultimately break her brain (much like the episode of the Office where Jim pranks Andy until he snaps). If she was smart, she would ride the Disney train a few more years and then buy her own island somewhere and force her Dad to sing "My Achy Breakey Heart" thirty times in a row before she will make any public appearance.

If I were to be a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger, I would obviously be Tommy. He had two different colors, had one sword that was a flute, and another sword that was a tiger that talked to him. Never mind that he got two different morphing vehicles, both of which attached themselves to the Megazord. And last, but certainly not least, he got to make out with Amy Jo Johnson. As Chris Rock would say, "ain't nothing wrong with that!"

And to answer your last question, no, he could not.

Q: Hey, have you seen my daughter?
-Mr. Secrets

A: Since I assume Ask.com and Yahoo Answers didn't work (they are obviously inferior to Google), I really have no idea where she is. Ms. Secrets, if you're out there, your Dad is looking for you, and he's worried. If anyone has any information about her whereabouts, please email me at Evkid14@aim.com.

Q: What are your thoughts on Dr Horrible's singalong blog? If you haven't seen it, google it and tell me your thoughts. Personally i laughed quite a bit over it.
-Brian Quinlan
A: I haven't seen it, but the second i saw that it starred Neil Patrick Harris, I made a vow to see it. Anything that has Doogie Howser in it is good enough for me. I'll try to see it soon, and at that point I will comment on it. Perhaps I should have saved this queston until I had seen it. Oh, well.

Keep sending in questions, guys.

You can Email me questions at Evkid14@aim.com

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Evan Answers Emails

2009-02-11T16:12:00.011-05:00

Lots of questions to get to today. Might as well get started...

Q: Hey Evan! got a few questions for you.

a) do you remember the show shining time station? if so what were your thoughts on it?

b) who looks more like a guy you would wanna have a beer with, Hugh Jackman or Dr. Phil? explain.

c) what are you waiting for? the ice to freeze?

d) any chance of bringing the power 16 back or some type of variation?

e) can i get a shout out in this blog?

f) he he?

g) i hate UFC are you a fan?

h) any thoughts on the year off the the Arena Football league took?

thanks hope to hear back on all of these.
-Ryan McCue

A:
a) To tell you the truth Ryan, I do not remember Shining Time Station. So I would like to turn the question back to you. What are your thoughts on it?
b) I would much rather have a beer with Hugh Jackman then with Dr. Phil, mostly for the off chance that Dr. Cox will show up and finally give him the present he's been holding for him. Sha-Daisy! Also, if this assumption is correct, and Dr. Cox does show up, he can always just do his Dr. Phil impression for me anyway. So it's a win-win with Hugh Jackman.
c) I was actually waiting on the world to change.
d) For everyone who has not heard of it, the Power 16 was a rip off of WWE.com's Power 25, where I would rank my friends one to sixteen based on their activity or lack thereof during the previous week. The Power 16 would be much easier to do if I was still seeing sixteen of my friends per week. Nowadays, the only people I see every week are Katie and my family. A variation is possible, but I have no ideas for it, so if it is to be done, I will have to receive ideas from you the reader. You can send me those ideas at evkid14@aim.com.
e) No, you cannot get a shout-out, Ryan McCue.
f) He He.
g) I wish I was a fan of UFC, but to be honest I prefer the way geekier WWE. Some UFC fights are boring. You get what you pay for with WWE. I will sometimes watch UFC type fights when they show them on VERSUS.
h) I think it's stupid. Is it really going to take them a year to figure out a way to make the league run smoother? It's kind of pathetic.

Q: Dear Evan,
I've made you your very own blog muffin. It is EvanBlueberry flavored.

As for my questions:
a) if your toaster could talk what would it say?
b) if your toaster could talk what would you say?
c) if your toaster could talk and wield a chainsaw like a samurai sword, what would you say?
-Your Southern Correspondent, Brian Quinlan

A: That was the single best looking/incredible tasting muffin I've ever received via E-Mail. Did you use Ask Jeeves or Yahoo Answers? The only thing I would have done differently is name the muffin Evan's BlueBerry. This works in three ways:
1) It is the name of the muffin.
2) It incorporates the name of This Band
3) It implies that I was sad before I ate this muffin.

As for your questions:
a) If my toaster could talk, it would say, "Enough with the fucking bread. Give me some waffles!"
b) If my toaster could talk, I would say, "Here, have some waffles, you gosh darn son of a B. And watch your language, this is a family kitchen!"
c) If my toaster could talk and wield a chainsaw like a samurai sword, I would say, "Hey buddy, why don't you take a day off? I'll just warm this bread by the fire!"

Q: Dear Ev,
I would like to get your overall thoughts on time travel. If you could travel
forwards and back wards, potentially even sideways in time what would you do?
Would you go back and keep carriage Paul from getting ass cancer? Also I would
like to hear what you think about this season of scrubs. Do you like JD's beard?
Thank you for your time good sir.
Sincerely,
Gregory S. Steele

A: Fun Fact: Greg's middle name is "Steel." As far as time travel is concerned, let's just assume LOST is right and we can travel through time but we can't change anything (assuming Desmond isn't involved, of course). But if it could, it still would not be possible to stop C-Paul from getting the ass cancer, because even if I went up to him and said, "Hey Paul, maybe you should take more notice of the blood in your stool," he would probably just say something like, "Rick Glavin told me I could come in a little early." It's sad, because I rather liked the fellow. He worked hard, he was never late, and he was very pleasant to everyone.

I absolutely LOVE this new season of scrubs. With the exception of last week's two episodes, (I haven't seen this week's yet, I had two tests to study for last night) they have been laugh out loud funny. I think this is Janitor's best season yet. You keep thinking he's hit his comedic ceiling, and he just smashes on through it. I like *SPOILER* that they put JD and Elliot back together. They belong together man. I also dig that they aren't making it a huge deal either.

I HATED JD's beard when the season started out. JD's such an immature guy, I thought that showing his manliness kind of ruined his character. But in honesty, they have kind of matured his character over the course of this season, so I don't really mind as much. Plus, the jokes they have made about it have all been very funny.

Speaking of Scrubs, if you're looking to read another blog, I suggest Bill Lawrence, the creator of Scrubs' blog. He does a great job of mingling with the fans (he even answered a question of mine) and he gives great insight to what's going on with the show. Definitely worth a read every few days.

Thanks for the E-mails guys! You three did a great job!

*NOTE FROM EVAN*
I am now being sponsored by Google. EVery time you click on one of the Ads on the top of this page, I receive a certain amount of money. Please help me out! I do a lot of work on this blog, and it would be nice to reap the rewards. Thanks guys!

You can E-Mail me questions or comments at Evkid14@aim.com

Evan Discusses the A-Rod Scandal, and also answers some E-Mails.

2009-02-10T00:11:00.009-05:00

A-Roid. That's gotta be Alex Rodriguez's new nickname, right? The man who was once caught slapping a ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove is back into the cheating game. A-Rod admitted on Monday that he used performance enhancing drugs from 2001 to 2003.

What does this mean for Ms. October's future? Picture this. It's April 24th, the date of the first Red Sox/Yankees game at Fenway Park in 2009. The announcer proclaims, "Now batting, for the Yankees, number 13..." And his next words are drowned out by resounding boos across the stadium. Then, when Rodriguez steps in the box, the fans chant, "A-Roid, A-Roid, A-Roid" or "A-Fraud, A-Fraud, A-Fraud".

The idea of it makes me positively giddy. Now, I'm not that big of an anti-steroid guy. The idea of taking steroids to boost your stats and make yourself more money seems like a great idea to me, especially since the rules on banned substances were more than just hazy back then.

No, I just love every and any opportunity to yell things at Yankees players that will make them feel bad. (and, in the case of A-Rod, probably make him go 0 for his first 88 at bats) And since my hatred for the Yankees was rekindled this year by the Texiera/Sabbathia/Burnett signings, this A-Rod scandal couldn't have come at a better time. Just expect to hear, "Why are they calling him A-Roid? I thought his nickname was A-Rod!" from the Pink Hat sitting next to you at Fenway this year.

Now, for some E-Mails:

Q: How is one supposed to email muffins?
"Questions? Comments? Feedback? Muffins? Email me any of these things at
Evkid14@aim.com. Maybe I'll even answer your question in a blog!"
You said it, now how is it done?!
--Ms. Secrets

A: Well, Ms. Secrets, you sly E-Mailer, you, you've gone and done it again. Your getting straight down to the nitty gritty. No B.S. coming from you, no sir! You're asking the tough questions, and I dig that about you.

To be honest, I don't know how one would go about E-Mailing muffins to me. That was something we refer to in the Blogging Industry as a joke. But as LeVar Burton would say, "Don't just take my word for it." Just because I don't know how to do it, that doesn't mean it is impossible! Perhaps you could consult Ask Jeeves or Yahoo Answers. Either way, if you do finally figure out how to send muffins, make sure they are low fat! I'm on a diet.

Q: So what do you think about the Red Sox resigning Jason Varitek? What do you think our chances are this year in the AL East? Do you think Papi will have a good year this year? Should we trade Lugo?
-Keri Donohue

A: To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of the Varitek signing. Sure, he's the Capn', and sure, he supposedly lowers the ERA of any pitching staff by one run. But the guy is obviously declining at the plate. Ever since he stopped taking steroids after his .281, 22 HR, 72 RBI 2005 season (just kidding Mom, at least until it's proven) he has been noticeably less effective on offense. And the stats show the story:

2006: .238 BA, 12 HR, 55 RBIs
2007: .255 BA, 17 HR, 68 RBIs
And last, and definitely least:
2008: .220 BA, 13 HR, 43 RBIs

Catchers have been known to decline rapidly when they enter into their mid-thirties. Don't get me wrong. I love 'Tek. I appreciate everything he's done for us in the last twelve years. I would just appreciate him more this year in a coaching capacity.

I am not sure at all how the AL East will turn out this year. The Sox and Rays are still solid teams, and the Yanks have boosted their lineups considerably. The only thing I will guarantee is that The Orioles will not win the East. And you can take that one all the way to the bank. But as far as your question is concerned, the key to the Red Sox chances this year, and probably every year, is whether or not they can stay healthy.

Which leads me to your next question. If Ortiz is healthy, he will have another MVP, monster-like year that we were accustomed to before last year's abomination. If not, Ortiz (as well as the now Manny Ramirez-less Red Sox) are up shit creek without a paddle or other boat moving object.

As far as Lugo goes, not only should we trade him, we never should have signed him in the first place. What was wrong with Alex Gonzalez? He was the best defensive shortstop I've ever seen. I would do the same thing with Lugo that they did with Renteria: cut their losses, and move on with a much better shortstop, in this case Jed (Mike) Lowry.

EMAIL ME QUESTIONS AT EVKID14@AIM.COM

Evan Answers More E-Mail Questions

2009-01-30T23:01:00.008-05:00

Q: Hey Ev, you should finish your last tournament!! and also tag me in your notes because i read your blogs haha. and also write about me. the end.
p.s. i love you
pps. thats a movie
-Chels"MC

(For those of you who don't already know what it is, The Tournament is the name of a single elimination tournament that my buddy Ryan and I do every now and then. We each draft the same amount of people [the only rule is that we both have to know that person] and then match them up against each other until only one remains. Look out for that soon. Another important note about the Tournament is that I am going to set up a Blogger account specifically for it. This will be done so I can control who looks at it. You will be required to sign up for an account and I will have to accept you. I wish I could do it another way, but the Tournament gets pretty racy sometimes.)

A: First of all Chels, The Tournament is impossible to finish while Ryan is in Boston. It takes both of us to do it, and all of our information is inside his house and would be a complete pain in the ass to move. We have already drafted the next Tournament and were in the middle of Round One when we lost Internet access/the battery in my laptop died. Luckily, when I charged the computer I got the chance to save all of this to my laptop. Unluckily I got a virus and had to use a backup of my files. It was during this process that I lost the things we had done. So as of right now, only eleven of thirty-two match ups have been completed in the first round. You'll have to be patient, as I have no idea when Ryan will come home next. Maybe he will be nice enough to comment below and let you know.

To answer your second question, which is really more of a statement, I will indeed tag you in my notes, which, by now, you already know. I digress.

To answer your third question, which is really more of a demand, I will say this: "Chelsey Chambers rocks. I could not think of a better person to be one of my girlfriend's best friends, or one of my best friends either. Her dog, Buster, is the coolest dog in the entire world, and it's probably because he lives with Chelsey. Her name is not Chelsea. That is the name of a town, not the name of Chelsey."

Q: What are your thoughts on Facebook? You have one, but how much do you put into it? Is it good? Is it bad? How much is too much?
-Ms. Secrets

A: My thought on Facebook is the same as my thought on Myspace: it used to be great, until it was overloaded with pointless shit. There are too many applications that use up too much space now. Most Applications are pointless (although I am fond of Bumperstickers) and I now get pointless requests from the same people every day about petting their dog or being a ninja or a pirate. This stuff is all lame.

There are some good things about Facebook, though. I enjoy comments and pictures and picture comments, and the relatively new notification bar was a great idea. I also enjoy commenting on statuses. These good things far outweigh the bad, so my answer is that Facebook is indeed good.

I would say that I put a moderate amount of work into my Facebook. Some just sign up and leave theirs blank. (They probably just sign up so they can stalk people.) Other people are signed on every few minutes, constantly adding pictures and constantly commenting on their friends' pages. I would put myself in the middle ground here. I sign on about three times a day, I almost never post pictures (to be fair, I don't own a digital camera) and I comment only when it strikes my fancy. I would say I go on a commenting spree every two days or so. Most days I just sign in, see if I have any notifications (I've mentioned this twice already, I should explain what it means: A little bar pops up telling you if you have a comment, if you have a picture comment, if someone else commented on something you commented on, ect.) or any friend requests. And then I sign out.

This might not be enough time for you, and that's okay. It become too much only when you are literally stalking people on Facebook or if you are neglecting responsibilities. Asking me how much is too much is probably not a good idea. If you asked my mother she would tell you I have no concept of time and waste quite a good deal of it. And she would be right. What I'm saying is, don't let facebook ruin your life. Because that WOULD BE too much.

You can Email me questions at Evkid14@aim.com.

Evan answers his email

2009-01-17T04:57:00.005-05:00

Q: Hey Ev, why no blogs about balls?
-Ryan McCue

A: Well Ry, I'm holding off of my best material until I'm out of other good ideas. Save your best for last right?

Q: Hey, Ev, how come no one emails questions to you?
-Evan Donohue

A: Because people expect me to come up with ideas all on my own. All take, no give.

EMAIL ME QUESTIONS AT EVKID14@AIM.COM

Evan explains his absence, his suspension, and remembers Matt McCue

2009-01-12T03:54:00.008-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted something. That was wrong. I am sorry.

Why am I apologizing? Well, to be frank, I have had a buttload of time on my hands, during which I have done absolutely nothing. Literally. Well, not literally. I have played video games. And partied. And slept. Til 5 P.M. some days. But I haven't done anything of substance.

That isn't to say I haven't had anything to write. Actually, I've had plenty to write about. I was suspended from work, and also lost a good friend of mine to cancer(whom I will honor at the end of this blog). But still, I've written nothing. So to the five people that read this blog, I apologize.

First things first. Many of you (many would be 3 out of 5, right?) have already heard the story of how I got suspended, and so again, I apologize to those people. I urge you to read this next part anyway, because, hell, maybe you missed something when I told you face to face. I'm a much better story teller when I write things down anyway. See if you like the pen-to-pad version better.

Two days after Christmas, I went on vacation in New Hampshire with my girlfriend and her family. We spent the weekend there, with the goal of relaxing. Everyone just did whatever it was they wanted to do. I mostly slept (I do enjoy a good slumber). It was a great time.

The only problem was my body. It was a wreck. One of the nights I became sick with food poisoning. I also contracted a cold.

Why am I telling you this? (you sure ask a lot of fucking questions. why don't you take a chill pill, Matt Lauer?) I needed you to know that I had a cold. Because I didn't leave the cold in New Hampshire. I took it home with me, and subsequently took it into work as well.

Now, I've worked with a cold. Everyone has to. I am such a sickly person that if I took off work every time I had a cold, I would never get any money. But I did not foresee what awaited me there.

Since my current boss came to the deli, he has used an oven cleaner called Mr. Muscle. I, however, am allergic to this cleaner. If I come in contact with it, I break out in hives. Actually, if it is even in the sink when I am there, my eyes start to hurt and become puffy and red. I have it documented by my allergist.

Well, on this particular day, a worker there forgot that I was coming in, and used it to clean the parts of the rotisserie machine (used to cook chickens).

I smelled it in the air the second I walked in, but was able to avoid the kitchen for the first hour. Then, I had to get stock from the back, and it just hit me like a sack of bricks. I had to leave. There was no way I could continue to work.

I got someone to come in for me, and I asked the person I was working with if I could leave. It is customary for you to wait for your replacement when you're sick, but I was literally getting worse every second I stayed in there. He said it was okay.

On my way out, I told my boss that I had got a replacement and that I was leaving. He asked me if my replacement was there yet. I told him that no, he was not. He then told me to wait until that person got there. I said I was sick. He told me to go back. I headed back, muttering "That's not cool" as I headed back for the deli. He spun on the spot. "What did you just say"? he asked. "I said that's not cool" "You know what? You should leave. And don't come back until I call you."

Well, obviously I was pissed off and I left. The one thing I regret is not telling him that I was having an allergic reaction. I ended up having a meeting with him a week later, where he told me that both he and a customer nearby heard me say, "Fuck you". Which of course is a lie, and I told him so. Which, of course, he does not believe. He showed me my write-up slip (which said that I had cursed on it, which I asked him to change) and told me that I could not come back until January 16.

That my story....Now it's over. And I'm glad. (fill in the rest of "she fucking hates me" by Puddle of Mudd here)

On January fourth, 2008, my friend Matt McCue died of cancer. As this was the first time I had ever had a friend pass away, I wasn't quite sure how to honor him.

I decided on doing two things: Writing about the good times I had with Matt, and getting mind-blowingly drunk in his honor with some of his friends and family.

With the latter of these two taken care of on Friday night, I am now going to take care of the former.

I first met Matt at the Irish Festival two summers ago. His cousin, Ryan, and I had got these tickets in order to see our favorite band, the Dropkick Murphys, yet again. When I first saw Matt, it was troubling. Matt was very, very skinny and had a tumor on his face that was quite noticeable. I was uncomfortable for about two seconds. There are some people out there that just put you at ease after the very first words to you come out of their mouths, and Matt McCue was definitely one of these people.

We had a blast that day, seeing Irish bands and picking out memorabilia. Matt had heard good things about one band in particular, called the Prodigals, and of course Ryan and I busted his balls all day about this band, calling it his favorite band and telling him it better not disappoint. It did not, so his Irish credibility went up ten-fold, making us look like idiots in the process. It was fantastic. The Murphys kicked ass (as usual) and I believe Matt had a great time too. This was not, however, the best time I ever had with Matt McCue.

About two weeks later, I drove down to Ryan and Matt's grandfather's house in Cape Cod. It was to be one of the top five nights of my life, and hands down the best party I have EVER been to. It was a night of pure male bonding, and I developed some great friendships with a few of the people I met there, Matt and Chris Otto especially.

It was there that I first heard Matt say his famous toast, and though I forgot until recently, I've heard enough of it this week to remember until I die. "May you be forty days in heaven before the devil knows your dead," he said as all of the members of the McCue family raised their shot glasses.

It was my privilege once again this year to attend the McCue Cape party. While it was again awesome, it was just not the same (some glory can simply not be recreated. Otto never made it, as Chris the Tank was thrown in jail a night before the four day party began. I did get to meet the love of Matt's life, Colleen. She is a terrific girl, and I'm glad he was able to find someone before his time came. Sadly, they left the house the next day as Matt felt very ill. His cancer had just returned, and he was in the middle of chemotherapy. The party wasn't the same after that.

I'll always remember these times I did get to spend with Matt, and I am in debt to Ryan for introducing me to one of the finest people I have ever met.

My heart and prayers goes out to Matt's family and Colleen. He was taken far too early, and that sucks badly. No one should ever have to go through this, and I am sorry that you did.

Matt, I'll always remember the good times we had together buddy. I just wish we could have had some more. I'll remember you every time I touch a Captain Morgans bottle, and I hope to see you again some day. It was never going to matter how long it took for the devil to realize how long you were gone. He never had a shot. Take care of yourself buddy.

What Pisses Me Off At Work

2008-12-03T00:22:00.010-05:00

As I complained about a customer for probably the 87348th time that day, a girl i work with suggested I make a list of all the ways people piss me off when odering food at the deli.

The problem with this is that I can never think of any of these things until after it happens. So I will make this a running list, which means that every time I can think of three or four new things that piss me off, I will make a new blog listing them. So, here are the first four:

1. Blurting out your order before I address you: This is an incredibly rude act. I despise these people. At least pretend to care that I say hello or "Can I help you?" It's what's socially acceptable.

2. Being on your cell phone while ordering: You cannot talk on the phone and order at the same time. You are being rude to either the person you are talking to or the deli clerk. More often than not, the rudeness is directed at the deli clerk.

3. Starting off your order by stating: "I'll start off with...": Saying this is going to make me hate you right off the bat. Even if you only end up getting two things, it seems like you're going to get like five things, which is frustrating. And if you're going to get five things, i don't want to know. I get grumpier the longer it goes. This is basically like saying to me, "Hey, I'm getting a lot of stuff and it's going to take up a lot of your time that could be spent getting ready to go home, so why don't you just skip the slow build-up and just be pissed off right now?

4. Ordering fifteen minutes before the store closes or after: It's just plain rude. I have to clean the fucking place, don't I? Ordering while I'm cleaning the last slicer may keep me at work for an extra 20 minutes.

I checked my mail today to see if anyone wrote in, and there were only one message there. Here it is:

Why no blogs about the Bruins>
-Keri Donohue
Well, Keri, I've wanted to. I have some ideas kicking around, so look for one soon.

EDIT: If you want the story on the Bruins, this video shows what's up.

Why No blogs about kitties?
-Carriage Paul
Well, Paul I'm not really an expert on kitties. Perhaps we could arrange an interview of some sort?

Here's the thing about Carriage Paul. I've heard he may have died, but no one seems to be sure. Please give any information you can.

If you want your question addressed in a blog, or just want to give feedback, remember to send your emails to evkid14@aim.com.

Evan Responds to a Reader Comment

2008-11-22T14:08:00.004-05:00

Greg,
while reading your comment on my pink hat blog again, one thing you wrote stood out to me: "we're not the yankees."

That is exactly why I almost don't want to root for my team anymore. All of these pink hats that popped up, do you know what they were before? YANKEES FANS. DOUCHE BAG YANKEES FANS!!!!! And now they are Red Sox fans?

And this is why we must take a stand.

The last few years I wondered why it was that I seemed to hate Yankees fans less. They still rooted for A-Rod, right? They still live in that god awful, cesspool of a city, right? But I couldn't shake the feeling.

Today, I finally realized that I didn't hate yankees fans. I hated the dispicable fans that jumped on the bandwagon. (Pink Hats, if you will) And now, though I still hate the yanks, I don't hate the fans they still have, because they are LOYAL. They are continuing to watch and root when their team gets the shit kicked out of them, when they are plagued by injuries. How can I hate them when they show the exact quality a true fan shows?

I hate this, I hate that I can't enjoy how good my team is. I can't enjoy it because of how fake this all seems.

Four years ago, everyone said they would never win. EVERYONE. Real Red Sox fans remember this, because it was a chip we carried on our shoulders all of our lives. When the Sox finally won the series, WE won. We willed David Ortiz to come through, to become a Boston Legend. We chanted MANNY, MANNY, MANNY. The last few years, Fenway has been DEAD. I have seen countless key moments where the fans did not rise to the occasion and cheer until their throats felt as if it would rip out. I have seen people doing the wave instead of screaming for a hit when one was desperately needed. Before '04 I never got a chance to start a chant, for there was always someone even more intense than me screaming YANKEES SUCK or MANNY, MANNY! Since that time, I have started more than one MVP chant, and one Manny chant in the most crucial of moments. (Did anyone besides me ever notice that Manny got a hit nearly every time someone chanted Manny in a cruicial spot? He must've hit .872 when the fans chanted his name from the 8th inning on) The point is, I don't see any fans living and dying with ever pitch anymore. The lack of diehardness and pluthera of fakeness turns me off more than I could ever tell you. It hurts me to root alongside people who I can tell are such bandwagon jerkoffs that they probably couldn't tell you who Yaz was.

Something must be done. I can't go on as a Red Sox fan this way. I can't bear not feeling a sense of brotherhood and pride when I see a fellow Sox fan on the street. These so called Red Sox fans don't even have respect for the people that ended our suffering! HOW CAN YOU BOO KEITH FOULKE? HOW CAN YOU BOO TEK? HOW CAN YOU BOO DAVID ORTIZ? HOW CAN YOU SUCK SO MUCH AS A FANDOM THAT ONE OF THE GREATEST RED SOX HITTERS OF ALL TIME FORCES HIMSELF OUT OF TOWN? (ok, so maybe that was Scott Boras' fault. I never said I was objective.) AGHHHH!

Pink hats are acutally turning me off of the game. When the Sox were taken out by the Rays in game seven, Katie was as visably upset as I should have been. She got up, turned off the TV, and stormed out of the room, saying my usual things like, "It's not fair!" and "It's all Hal Gill's fault!" (ok, maybe I made that one up. Tee-hee) The point is, I felt none of those things. It bothered me. Alot. How could I call myself a Sox fan when I couldn't find in myself the emotion that had once been there? I kept making up excuses, like, "They won two world series in three years!" But that wasn't it. And until you wrote that a few days ago, Man O' Steele, I didn't know what it was. But now I do. I didn't mourn the Red Sox because I already had. The Red Sox death this year wasn't the same day they were elminated. For me, the Red Sox died on the day the Pink Hats booed David Ortiz.

To me, Pink Hats are worse than Yankees fans.

What Makes You A Pink Hat

2008-11-18T23:43:00.018-05:00

(Before I start, I have a question for everyone. Does anyone know how to put a counter on my blog? I'd like it to show how many hits I get! Email me or comment the answer.)

For the last four years, I have sat back idly while thousands of douche bags in goofy pink hats claimed to be real Red Sox fans. This pained me to the point where I almost didn't even want to root for my favorite team anymore. Seriously, where is the brotherhood, the camaraderie? Every time I've gone to games recently, there have been many "pink hats" that have infuriated me to the point of murder.

What is a pink hat, you ask? I'm glad you're asking the right questions. A pink hat, by my definition, is someone who does one or all of these things: A) Wears a pink Red Sox hat (which is a fucking disgrace. If you wear one, you know nothing about the game or a are a phony little bitch, guaranteed) B) Does the wave in a game where the Sox are losing C) Can't answer the question, "Who pitched when you went to the game?" or answers with a name that isn't a starting pitcher D) Is a Bandwagon Fan, which means you started watching in a year where the team is on a roll (Exception to this rule: Anyone who is 15 or under. By the age of 15, a real sports fan has a favorite team and will be loyal to that team for the rest of their life. If you want to know more about what makes you a Bandwagon Fan, read the prologue to Bill Simmons' book, "Now I can Die In Peace") or E) Doesn't know the names of the players he/she is watching.

I can't tell you how angry Pink Hats make me. When people that obviously started rooting for the team after they won the '04 World Series start claiming to be Die Hards, it makes me sick to my stomach. Their claim belittles the efforts of REAL Die Hard Sox fans, people that have supported their favorite team through Harry Frazee, Enos Slaughter, Bob Gibson, Bucky "f-ing" Dent, Buckner, and most recently Aaron Boone. These people haven't SUFFERED the way we have. So any time I hear, "I LOOOVE the RED SOX! PAPLEBON/ELLSBURY IS SO HOT!" I want to punch them straight in the mouth.

When Katie and I go to games, she is annoyed with my loose definition of a Pink Hat. I basically see any girl stumbling around with an Ellsbury shirt and start muttering away. So for her sake, I am going to write definitive rules to be a true Red Sox fan. Anyone who does not follow these rules is under my definition a Pink Hat.

(Note to Reader: I could only think of three rules. There has to be more than that. I will update every time I think of one. Also, I got very lucky in that Katie started watching the Sox in '02. If she had started watching in 2003 or 2004, I would be dating the very thing I hate.)

RULES TO BE A DIE HARD RED SOX FAN

1) You must be able to name at least three players on the team the last time the Sox had a losing season. A losing season is one in which a team finishes with 80 wins or less. Failure to name three players from such a Red Sox team means you are a pink hat. The last time they had a losing record was 1997. Can you name three players from that team? I can.

2) You must wear the team's actual colors that they use in actual games. Red or Blue shirts or hats will suffice. Green are ok, for they use Green Uniforms and hats on St. Patty's day in Spring Training. If you wear a white Sox hat, you are less of a fan. Any other color besides the ones previously mentioned means you are a bandwagon fan who cares more about looking pretty than the team, and a pink one makes you a moron.

3) Any time someone is caught wearing the name of the most popular player on the team (e.g. David Ortiz) AND is also caught saying something stupid that shows they know nothing about the game. (E.G. On an infield fly, "Why did the umpire call out before he caught the ball? What if he dropped it?"

4) No showing up in the 3rd inning and leaving in the 7th. If you are lucky enough to get tickets, then the least you can do is stay for the entire game. If you're taking a child that "can't stay up that late", then go to a day game! Or stay home.

5) If you are lucky enough to be at a game, you are there to WATCH the game. This means that you don't leave in the middle of key at-bats to get more beer. Also, do not stand up in the middle of the game and guesture to someone else you know in the park. Wait until the end of the game. You are at a Red Sox game. Watch the game!

Congratulations to Dustin Pedroia for winning the MVP.

EDITED ON 11/19/08 at 12:36 PM

A Great Day in America

2008-11-05T21:22:00.008-05:00

I was so excited by Barack Obama's 349-162 win that I pulled out a "yahhhh!" and a Tiger Woods style fist pump. Yahhhh's are usually reserved for key moments like a Bruins goal, a Red Sox homer, or a Patriots First Down/Touchdown, so you know I was excited. (Not as excited as Katie however, I wouldn't have been surprised if she was caught running down the street wearing nothing but an American flag) There's just something about this guy that calms me and makes me think he'll do the job that so desperately needs to be done.

The fact that he reminds me of my favorite wrestler may not hurt, either. He so resembles The Rock (face, voice, everything) that it made me wonder what might have happened if Barack Obama and Dwayne Johnson were the same person. (Which they may be. Have you ever seen them in the same room) Here is what I thought "Ba Rock" would have said before the election last night:

Finally, Ba Rock has come back to Washington D.C.!

John McCain, you little Jabroni, you and your little republican cronies run your mouths about how you're going to beat me in this election. Ba Rock Says this, if you keep running your mouth Ba Rock is going to lay the smackdown on alllllll your candy asses!

Which leads Ba Rock to tonight. Tonight, after all the dust is settled, and all the smoke is cleared, and the millions...(Joe Biden screams: AND MILLIONS here) of Ba Rock's Fans are finished chanting his name...(Biden: Ba Rocky, Ba Rocky) Then, John McCain, Ba Rock will be the NEW United States Cham...er, President. And then, John McCain, you'll come up to Ba Rock, and you'll extend your hand to Ba Rack, and you'll say, "Good Race Ba Rock." And Ba Rock will smile, shake your hand, and thank you. And then John McCain, Ba Rock will take all the electoral votes he received, shine them up real nice, turn those sumbitches sideways, and stick them straight up your candy ass!

IF YOU SMELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL-ELL what Ba Rock (Raises Eyebrow)...is cooking!

The World would be a better place.......

Evan Rants about the Red Sox, Entourage, and The Shield

2008-09-30T23:48:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone, hope all is well.

The Red Sox start their American League Division Series with the Anaheim...er, California Angels of Anaheim tonight at 10:00 PM on (yuck) TBS. Two quick thoughts on the previous sentence: 1) When the Anaheim Ducks changed their name from the Anaheim Mighty Ducks to their current name, did they ever consider calling themselves the Anaheim Ducks of Mighty? and 2) TBS has an awful production team and I would rather listen to Joe Buck (or as my brother-in-law calls him, "Joe Motherbucker") and Tim McCarver (or as I call him "a huge douche bag") than watch TBS' crappy baseball presentation. And that right there says alot.

With that out of the way, how do I feel about the Sox' chances in this series? I beleive the only accurate word would be "meh."

On one hand, the Angels have pwned(http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pwned) the Sox this year. Boston dropped eight of nine games to the Angels this year, giving up 61 runs while only scoring 33 themselves. During one of these games the Sox were within two outs of being no-hit by John Lackey.

On the other hand, however, recent postseason history would suggest that the Sox have the Angels' playoff number. Going back to 1986, the Sox have beaten the Angels 9 straight times in the playoffs, outscoring them by a total of 69 runs to 27.

So it would seem we have a good sries on out hands. My Prediction?

sox in 5

Until last night, I had considered this fifth season of Entourage to be a flop. In fact, ever since season three the storylines have been mediocre at best. The fourth season was not up to par with anything the previous three seasons put out. Not enough drama, (excuse the pun)not enough laughs, no cliffhangers. And this season so far seemed to be a continuation of last season's problems. This week's episode changed all that.

*WARNING! THE NEXT SECTION MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS! If you wish to remain in the dark, scroll down past the next line break!*

Last week, we saw Eric pitch his writer clients' movie-"smokerjumpers"-to Ari and Vince, only to have Ari turn it down because it was an Indie. This prompted E to go to Vince's ex-agent, Amanda, in hopes of selling the movie to a studio. She manages to get Ed Norton interested in the project, and he agrees to buy it for $300,000, casting himself as the lead.

This week, Ari has changed his mind and tells Eric that he wants to sell the movie to a studio with Vince as the lead role. Vince tells E to start a bidding war between Ed Norton the other studio. When Eric calls the writers, they tell him they want $500,000 and a guarantee the movie will be made. When Eric tells Amanda this, she tells him to fuck off and yanks Norton and his money from negotiating. Ari, meanwhile, can't seem to sell the script with Vince attached, as the studios are wearey of another flop like "Medellin." Vince finally offers to play the second lead, and Ari agrees as there seems to be no lead roles in the future for Vince until he gets his career back on track. Ari manages to get an offer on the script for $500,000 with Vince as the second lead. Eric tells this to his writers, and even though they really wanted Ed Norton, they agree to take the deal. Before E can make the call to close the deal, however, Amanda calls and says that Norton is back in with an offer of $2 million, with Norton cast as the lead. Eric says this is ok, as long as Vince is cast as second lead. Amanda says she doesn't know if this can be done, as Alan Gray is the one who bought the script, and he hates vince ever since Vince bailed on Aquaman II. The show ends with Eric not able to decide between what is good for Vince and what is good for his writers.

I thought the ending was the best twist Entourage has had since season 2. Of course, Drama and Turtle got into their usual amount of shenanigans, but I'm not going to get into that, because it strays away from the central plot of the show. So for you Johnny Drama fans out there, watch the fucking show! I wasn't a fan of the "Eric represents more than just Vince now" angle they've been doing for the last few weeks, but it definitely paid of in spaids. I can't wait for next week's episode, and that's the first time I've though that in a while.

The Shield is so intense, and has so many important details that there is no way I'm going to get into recaps. There are places you can find that anyway. I know, I know, I just did an entire recap of Entourage, but that was the only way I could talk about the episode without confusing the shit out of you.

Anyway, I had an idea for a weekly segment about the shield. I watch The Shield each week with my brother Ryan, his friend Mike, and Mike's dad. When we talk about an episode we think is going to be crucial, we'll say, "Shit is going down tonight!"

So I am going to make a scale, 1-10, on how much shit went down on this week's episode, and how much shit I think is going to go down for next week's episode.

*The shit-going down scale contains spoliers! Skip ahead past the next line break if you want to remain in the dark!*

This week's episode ranked a 3 on the shit-going-down scale. Not much happened. Last week's outing of the blonde chick being in Rezian's pocket made me think this week's was going to be in the 9-10 range, but not so. Not much attention was given to that storyline, as they focused more on Dutch's serial killer boy and Claudette interrogating Cleavon. Not much shit went down, unless you count Mackie promising to help the blonde chick get out from under's Rezian's thumb.

I predict that next week's episode will rank an 6, because I have no idea where they are going with this storyline. But, I've been wrong before.

Okay, time to wrap this up. Hope you enjoyed the blog. Go sox.

The Story of Ryan's Birthday

2008-09-24T22:46:00.010-04:00

Last Tuesday, (September 16, 2008) I went up to my buddy Ryan's Apartment in Mission Hills, to help him bar-hop across Boston in celebration of his 21st birthday. The plan was to get mind-blowingly drunk in his honor.

I arrived on the scene at roughly five o'clock in the afternoon. I had planned on getting there earlier, but the train I was traveling on was for some reason at a standstill for twenty goddam minutes. After my trek up Mission Hill (a workout and a half, I don't know how he does it every day) I was more than happy to accept some beers from Ryan. His girlfriend, sister, and sister's roomate had come up too see him on his birthday, so we hung around the apartment with them for a while. When they had to leave, we walked them to the train station and went along our merry way.

The first bar we hit was a place near Northeastern called Punters. The place was just dead. I mean dead. Think Paddy's Pub dead. It was a Tuesday, yes, but there was only one other person besides us at the bar. The bartender wished Ryan a happy birthday upon looking at his license, and I took a piss. When I came back Ryan was busy trying to engage the bartender in conversation. He showed very little interest. He was probably just too concerned with the other people there. How hard is it to have a conversation with a patron in your bar, especially when there are no other people there? Just shitty service, especially since it was his 21st birthday, and showing him a good time might have guaranteed years of business? Just shitty Business.

The next stop was a place I had wanted to go to ever since I had heard of it. It's called McGreevey's Saloon, and it is owned by the lead guitarrist of the Dropkick Murphys, Ken Casey. Ken named it after Nuff Ced' McGreevey, who is mentioned in the Murphy's song for the 2004 Red Sox, "Tessie." McGreevey was a bartender and the leader of the Royal Rooters, a group of Red Sox fans who showed up at every game and cheered the Sox on. "Tessie" was an adaptation of a song sung by the Rooters. Casey reopened the saloon as a place for Sox fans to watch the game in a baseball orientated atmostphere. This, and the fact that Casey is a personal hero to both Ryan and I, made it a must-see bar the second he turned 21.

The second we walked in, I knew it was worth the wait. The bar is SICK. TVs everywhere, Murphys music playing, a great mix of guys and gals all cheering for the Sox. We got there in the bottom of the 9th inning during a Sox-Rays game. When the Rays walked off with a win, Ryan and I grabbed some beers and sat down next to a roped off section of the bar.

The roped off section was of great interest to us, as we thought some members of the band may be behind it. We were dissapointed to see no band members, but a couple of attractive blondes in the booth next to us almost made up for it. After about two seconds, I noticed that the girls were accompanied by two, very large mob looking guys. I immediately looked away, but Ryan was too drunk to care. (or he just has balls of steel.) That why he was looking in the right direction to see Ken Casey standing just to the left of of the alleged mobsters.

He immediately yelled, "Look over there!" I looked over in the direction he was pointing and saw a balding, blonde haired guy I thought was Al Barr, lead singer of the Murphys. After about two seconds i figured out it wasn't him, and I told Ryan as such. He replied, "No, that is definitely Ken Casey!" Ken must've heard him, because he walked right over to us and said something along the lines of, "Hey guys, what's going on?" (I don't remember what he said exactly because a) I was meeting my hero and b) I was half in the bag. Everything I quote from inside McGreevey's is an approximation of what was actually said.)

Me: "Hey Ken, we've seen you guys like 5 times!"

Ryan: "Long time fan, Ken."

Ken: "That's great guys. How are things?"

Ryan: "It's my 21st birthday!"

Ken: "Well then, I'm going to have to get you a drink. What are you drinking?"

Ryan: "Whatever you want me to. Whatever you think is good."

Ken: "Well, you're 21st birthday is not supposed to be enjoyable. On the other hand, I don't want you passing out in my bar. Give me a second, boys."

And he walked off leaving Ryan and I to sit there giggling like chicks. We talked about how great this was, how we couldn't beleive it was actually happening.

Me: "I can't beleive Ken Casey is buying you a drink on your 21st birthday. This is such a great story!"

Truthfully, I was pretty jealous that he was buying Ryan a drink and not me. After a short time passed, Ken came back with two car bombs, one for each of us (which obviously makes this a much better story for me).

Ken: "Happy Birthday. I'd enjoy a drink with you guys, but I gave up drinking the profit. Enjoy your night."

Ryan and I stammered out thank yous. Ken walked around greeting the other patrons of his bar. He even wiped off one of the tables! A waitress came by and asked us if we needed anything else. Ryan , obliterated at this point, asked her to get Ken Casey to come back to out table. She walked away, obviously thinking that we were fucked up. I said to Ryan, "Why did you say that to her?" To which he replied, "She obviously knows him Evan, he fucking hired her!

We had a few more drinks after that, and eventually we got up to leave. But not before talking to Ken one more time. He asked us why we were leaving already and we told him we didn't want to pass out in his bar because we respected him so much. He told us that was a good idea and that we should go pass out next door and kill his competition, which was fucking hilarious. He then told us that we didn't need to worry about walking around hammered because the two cops who were patrolling the area were sitting at his bar! We got a chance to ask him a couple of questions. I'll list them below.

I asked: "Are you going to put the song 'Chosen Few' onto ITUNES? That song is everything that I think about Boston put into song!" (note to reader: I was so drunk that I could not remember the name of the song, so instead I said, "the Hazel Mae song. Very embarassing, as I had just told him I was a big fan)

Ken told me that they were considering putting the song on the live cd that they are currently putting together.

Ryan asked: "Are you coming out with a new cd soon?"

Ken said that they had five songs recorded, but he didn't know when it would be coming out. After that we thanked him again for the drinks, and stumbled out into the night, calling everyone we knew who would care.

All in all, it was a memorable night. We hit one more bar on the way home, but the best part of the night had come and gone.

I can't beleive how cool Ken Casey was. The guy is a huge rockstar, but he took the time to befriend Ryan and I, bought us drinks, and answered all of our questions. The guy was already my hero, but now I fucking worship him. And what he did was definitely good for business, as Ryan and I will most certainly be going back.

Now if we can just get Punters straightened out.